Sunkissed Nina's So Called Life

Haruki Murakami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning

2009-04-28T15:17:00.003-05:00

Ive been on a Haruki Murakami kick these past days. All that thanks to S who got me hooked. Ive seen Murakami books on the shelves but felt the books might be too high brow for me. But theyre not. Theyre stories, beautiful ones, albeit metaphysical. Weird even.

I read somewhere that Murakami has always called himself a story teller. He started out writing short stories and I read a few today. I like this one the best. Its bittersweet and sad, as most Murakami stories are. Its beautiful. Haunting. I love it.

Haruki Murakami: On seeing the 100% perfect girl one beautiful April morning

One beautiful April morning, on a narrow side street in Tokyo's fashionable Harujuku neighborhood, I walked past the 100% perfect girl.

Tell you the truth, she's not that good-looking. She doesn't stand out in any way. Her clothes are nothing special. The back of her hair is still bent out of shape from sleep. She isn't young, either - must be near thirty, not even close to a "girl," properly speaking. But still, I know from fifty yards away: She's the 100% perfect girl for me. The moment I see her, there's a rumbling in my chest, and my mouth is as dry as a desert.

Maybe you have your own particular favorite type of girl - one with slim ankles, say, or big eyes, or graceful fingers, or you're drawn for no good reason to girls who take their time with every meal. I have my own preferences, of course. Sometimes in a restaurant I'll catch myself staring at the girl at the next table to mine because I like the shape of her nose.

But no one can insist that his 100% perfect girl correspond to some preconceived type. Much as I like noses, I can't recall the shape of hers - or even if she had one. All I can remember for sure is that she was no great beauty. It's weird.

"Yesterday on the street I passed the 100% girl," I tell someone.

"Yeah?" he says. "Good-looking?"

"Not really."

"Your favorite type, then?"

"I don't know. I can't seem to remember anything about her - the shape of her eyes or the size of her breasts."

"Strange."

"Yeah. Strange."

"So anyhow," he says, already bored, "what did you do? Talk to her? Follow her?"

"Nah. Just passed her on the street."

She's walking east to west, and I west to east. It's a really nice April morning.

Wish I could talk to her. Half an hour would be plenty: just ask her about herself, tell her about myself, and - what I'd really like to do - explain to her the complexities of fate that have led to our passing each other on a side street in Harajuku on a beautiful April morning in 1981. This was something sure to be crammed full of warm secrets, like an antique clock build when peace filled the world.

After talking, we'd have lunch somewhere, maybe see a Woody Allen movie, stop by a hotel bar for cocktails. With any kind of luck, we might end up in bed.

Potentiality knocks on the door of my heart.

Now the distance between us has narrowed to fifteen yards.

How can I approach her? What should I say?

"Good morning, miss. Do you think you could spare half an hour for a little conversation?"

Ridiculous. I'd sound like an insurance salesman.

"Pardon me, but would you happen to know if there is an all-night cleaners in the neighborhood?"

No, this is just as ridiculous. I'm not carrying any laundry, for one thing. Who's going to buy a line like that?

Maybe the simple truth would do. "Good morning. You are the 100% perfect girl for me."

No, she wouldn't believe it. Or even if she did, she might not want to talk to me. Sorry, she could say, I might be the 100% perfect girl for you, but you're not the 100% boy for me. It could happen. And if I found myself in that situation, I'd probably go to pieces. I'd never recover from the shock. I'm thirty-two, and that's what growing older is all about.

We pass in front of a flower shop. A small, warm air mass touches my skin. The asphalt is damp, and I catch the scent of roses. I can't bring myself to speak to her. She wears a white sweater, and in her right hand she holds a crisp white envelope lacking only a stamp. So: She's written somebody a letter, maybe spent the whole night writing, to judge from the sleepy look in her eyes. The envelope could contain every secret she's ever had.

I take a few more strides and turn: She's lost in the crowd.

Now, of course, I know exactly what I should have said to her. It would have been a long speech, though, far too long for me to have delivered it properly. The ideas I come up with are never very practical.

Oh, well. It would have started "Once upon a time" and ended "A sad story, don't you think?"

Once upon a time, there lived a boy and a girl. The boy was eighteen and the girl sixteen. He was not unusually handsome, and she was not especially beautiful. They were just an ordinary lonely boy and an ordinary lonely girl, like all the others. But they believed with their whole hearts that somewhere in the world there lived the 100% perfect boy and the 100% perfect girl for them. Yes, they believed in a miracle. And that miracle actually happened.

One day the two came upon each other on the corner of a street.

"This is amazing," he said. "I've been looking for you all my life. You may not believe this, but you're the 100% perfect girl for me."

"And you," she said to him, "are the 100% perfect boy for me, exactly as I'd pictured you in every detail. It's like a dream."

They sat on a park bench, held hands, and told each other their stories hour after hour. They were not lonely anymore. They had found and been found by their 100% perfect other. What a wonderful thing it is to find and be found by your 100% perfect other. It's a miracle, a cosmic miracle.

As they sat and talked, however, a tiny, tiny sliver of doubt took root in their hearts: Was it really all right for one's dreams to come true so easily?

And so, when there came a momentary lull in their conversation, the boy said to the girl, "Let's test ourselves - just once. If we really are each other's 100% perfect lovers, then sometime, somewhere, we will meet again without fail. And when that happens, and we know that we are the 100% perfect ones, we'll marry then and there. What do you think?"

"Yes," she said, "that is exactly what we should do."

And so they parted, she to the east, and he to the west.

The test they had agreed upon, however, was utterly unnecessary. They should never have undertaken it, because they really and truly were each other's 100% perfect lovers, and it was a miracle that they had ever met. But it was impossible for them to know this, young as they were. The cold, indifferent waves of fate proceeded to toss them unmercifully.

One winter, both the boy and the girl came down with the season's terrible inluenza, and after drifting for weeks between life and death they lost all memory of their earlier years. When they awoke, their heads were as empty as the young D. H. Lawrence's piggy bank.

They were two bright, determined young people, however, and through their unremitting efforts they were able to acquire once again the knowledge and feeling that qualified them to return as full-fledged members of society. Heaven be praised, they became truly upstanding citizens who knew how to transfer from one subway line to another, who were fully capable of sending a special-delivery letter at the post office. Indeed, they even experienced love again, sometimes as much as 75% or even 85% love.

Time passed with shocking swiftness, and soon the boy was thirty-two, the girl thirty.

One beautiful April morning, in search of a cup of coffee to start the day, the boy was walking from west to east, while the girl, intending to send a special-delivery letter, was walking from east to west, but along the same narrow street in the Harajuku neighborhood of Tokyo. They passed each other in the very center of the street. The faintest gleam of their lost memories glimmered for the briefest moment in their hearts. Each felt a rumbling in their chest. And they knew:

She is the 100% perfect girl for me.

He is the 100% perfect boy for me.

But the glow of their memories was far too weak, and their thoughts no longer had the clarity of fouteen years earlier. Without a word, they passed each other, disappearing into the crowd. Forever.

A sad story, don't you think?

Yes, that's it, that is what I should have said to her.

Shifting ...

2008-12-17T09:43:00.003-06:00

...to a DSLR is not easy.

I thought I had my heart set on a Canon Rebel EOS XS. But last Sunday, M and I were at Circuit City choosing digital cameras. Me being me, I ended up hefting the DSLRs around and when I held the Nikon D60, it was as if I had fallen in love at first sight.

The camera just felt right in my hands, it was light, responsive and oh-so beautiful.

I have just been welcomed to the dark side ... I am buying a Nikon.

Just what sort of Nikon im getting -- now that is the big question.

A Harsh Winter

2008-12-16T09:36:00.002-06:00

It seems like the US is indeed having a harsh winter. Last night's news was filled with precautions about driving in the snow, how flurries and ice on the streets is making for a tough commute home, and how everyone should hunker down and be prepared for one of the toughest winters ever.

It IS cold -- even here in the desert land that is Texas, it is freezing. I am not used to this -- me who grew up in a tropical climate.

To prepare for this years harsh winter, I did get my flu shot. I also, for the first time since 2004, gave in and purchased a warm coat. I have survived winters wearing fleece hoodies, but this year, I think I need a little bit more protection than fleece.

I also bought space heaters ... to keep the house, my room and my bed warm. Used with care, a space heater is probably the most efficient ways to heat up a room. It is energy efficient, and with the advent of technology, space heaters have gotten more safe and easy to use.

Well no... let me take that back.

Another warm body is probably the most efficient way to heat up a room. Thing is, I cant walk into a Lowes or a Home Depot to purchase a warm body.

Easy Like Sunday Morning ...

2008-12-14T09:18:00.002-06:00

It is 9:19 am as I start to write this weekend blog entry. I had a smashin' weekend. But on this early Sunday morning, I am blogging while I enjoy a cup of my favorite Verona blend with a touch of half and half and some toast with Manchego cheese on top.

This weekend, I discovered the joy that is Manchego cheese.

Last Friday, we had our Christmas lunch at Tommy's. Me, being me, I ordered a hunk of meat that I couldnt finish ... so I took that home. We had the rest of the day off so after I got home, Tess Burgos picked me up to go to Costco. I got the usual water and juice. However, as she was checking out the cheese lane, I saw a huge pieces of Manchego. I had heard a lot of good things about this cheese so I decided to buy a piece. I got the one that weighed the least and got home.

After Costco and visiting some friends, I ended up at Big Johns with Blake and Alise. Blake is my boss. After 7 Vodka Cranberries, I went home. Sober but sleepy. I went to bed and woke up Saturday morning hungry but not in the mood for a huge breakfast.

I broke out the Manchego then. Just nibbled on really thin slices of it and fell in love. Madly, hopelessly, cravefully (is there such a word?) in love. It is a slightly salty, semi-firm cheese. The color of the Manchego I got is a pretty pale yellow ... but the taste is the farthest thing from pale.

Salty at first bite, this beautiful cheese turns piquant and sweet after you chew into it. Lovely.

I couldnt bear to tear myself away from my Manchego but I did. I went to a Christmas party thrown by some friends of friends. I had fun -- and ended up organizing the gift giving for the kiddos in that party. Fun. Plus my baby Meggyboo was in the party too so that was a bonus.

Got home around 9pm tired and just wanting to chill. I mucked around online for a bit and then lay down and slept. It was a good, deep sleep that had me waking up really early Sunday morning -- refreshed and raring to go.

I just heated up some rolls with a thin sliver of Manchego on top ... and im enjoying that as I type up this entry ... a perfect way to start a Sunday, a perfect way to start a week.

Here is to a smashin' week ahead of us!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!!!!

2008-12-11T12:31:00.002-06:00

Christmas came early to Houston yesterday. Yes, folks you heard it right. We got snow.

The last time it snowed here was in December 24, 2004. Right as we were going into evening Christmas mass, it started to fall. We went out of the church into a veritable winter wonderland, a rarity for one of the warmest states in the continental United States.

Yesterday was the coldest day so far this year, and people started talking as snow at around 2 pm. Of course, I was saying we wouldnt get snow because Houston is too close to the Gulf of Mexico (hence, had warmer temperatures).

Snow did fall...and it fell in our part of town. Like a kid, I went to the back of our office and ran around in circles, letting the snow fall on my hair and my clothes. It was fun. I had fun. I would do it again in a heartbeat, but only if we had snow falling again.

I think of that snowfall as a gift ... an omen of better things to come.

We all need something like that to believe in.

Resilience

2008-12-10T09:22:00.001-06:00

If there is one thing about me ... I bounce back quite quickly from the adversities of life. Nope -- I dont bounce back because im a fat little ball of cuteness (LOL) ... but because the lessons in life I have learned has made me realize that there is never any good that comes out of wallowing in despair.

So yeah ... one thing in my life panned out to nothing in a span of 48 hours. Something that I thought would be a keeper. I was sad for a bit. Who wouldnt be. But but but ... I ended up hanging out with an old gym friend over Riesling.

Uh yeah. Hang out we did. . Needless to say, my ghosts have been exorcised and im as good as new. Oh wait. Im BETTER actually. A good boost to one's ego never fails.

Thank you gym friend. You did wonders for me and my bruised self esteem. Do it again soon, you hear?

Back? Yeah. At least I think so.

2008-12-09T13:42:00.001-06:00

Dear Blog,

I am so sorry that I have not found time to post here in a LONG time. For a while, I felt like i had nothing earth shaking to write. Then again, where has it ever been written that what I need to write has to be earth shaking.

My life is mundane. Nothing much goes on in it. The same routine of work, gym, sleep; punctuated by bursts of creativity that manifests itself in scrapbooks, the written word, cross stitch and baking. Yup, you heard it right. Baking.

But I missed writing. I will always be in love with the written word. And yes, this will always be the best way I can express who I am and what I stand for. Honestly, I dont think I speak well enough to be expressive. However, stringing words together to form a coherent thought is sheer joy for me.

So here I am again ... trying to string some words along so I can let people know whats on my mind. And today -- I would like to write about the truth.

The truth is such a simple thing. Its just calling things as they are, and being honest enough to admit to your faults, misfortune and misdemeanors. It can even be as simple as admitting to the truth and not stringing anyone along just because you cannot, dont have and will never have the guts to speak the truth.

The truth hurts, yes. It may even kill. But, trite as it may seem -- the truth sets people free. And that is a gift that even one's worst enemy deserves. Wallowing and letting people wallow is mean. Own up. Be a man. Tell the truth.

Thank you Blog for still being here for me. Allowing me to rant, much like a trusted friend does when I am as irate as I am right now.

I will be back. :)

-N

Angst and Androgyny

2007-09-04T11:08:00.000-05:00

It finally happened - we went and saw Marilyn Manson in concert last Friday, August 31.

We got to the Reliant Arena pretty early and whiled the time away people watching. The Manson didnt get on til 10:30 but there were two acts that played ahead of him. A local band whose name I cannot remember and whose 22 minute set sounded like they played one whole song continuously and Slayer.

Slayer was loud. Slayer was mean. Slayer rocked. A lot of the people actually felt that Slayer should have been the main act. But nope. Nothing compares to the showmanship and total entertainment experience that goes with a Manson concert.

He played nonstop for an hour and a half. His vocal quality never suffered. His voice sounded exactly like he sounds on a CD. He played mostly songs from his new album, and I dont have any complaints about that. Of course he played my current fave - his cover of Sweet Dreams by the Eurythmics.

Treat for the night - a sexy girl, dressed in a maids outfit walks in pushing a cake on a cart. Manson sings to her and snaps her head off; sings to the head for a while then dumps the head on the cart. Sexy girl walks off. Creepiness.

It was a magical lights and sound show that I wont forget for a long time.

Angst and androgyny rocks !!!

Fracture

2007-08-31T14:52:00.000-05:00

I actually didnt expect to like this movie.

First off, I watched on a plane during a flight from Houston to San Diego.

Second, I had a seat that was not positioned well enough to see the screen at a good angle.

Third, I am notorious for falling asleep on planes regardless of the chaos around me.

But I started to watch this movie and was hooked. The opening scene in itself is enough to catch anyones attention -- I mean, a movie that tells you who killed who and why within the first 15 minutes is a rarity. But thats exactly what Fracture does.

We see a controlled performance by Anthony Hopkins as a genius engineer whose wife is cheating on him. He kills her - no bones about it, and proceeds to muddle up the evidence such that the crime he admitted to committing cannot be pinpointed back to him.

Ryan Gosling holds his own against Anthony Hopkins. He plays a brash, ambitious Deputy DA on his way to a cushy private sector job. He gets called on this case and sees it as his quick last case before he goes off to the bigtime world of litigation law. Little does he know that this case will change the very course of his life.

Genius that he is, Ted Crawford (Hopkins' character) has managed to manipulate the evidence such that he cannot be pinpointed for the crime he has admitted to. Everyone knows he did it, they just cant prove it. However, he did not take into account the tenacity and smarts of Willy Beachum (Gosling's DA character). Beachum got obsessed by the case - especially when Crawford got acquitted. His obsession and eventual discoveries are actuallly the meat of this movie.

This is a good film. Not an excellent one - it basically rehashes a plot line that has been done before... but in a different way. What works for it is the way it was paced - tight and quick (although to my mind, it got a bit slow towards the middle part). The denouement was perfectly executed though.

It was a perfectly entertaining film that I did not regret staying awake for.

Of Social Climbing Bitches

2007-08-16T15:08:00.000-05:00

The worst kind of prejudice is that of a a fellow Filipino against her compatriots. Malu Fernandez is a columnist/jetsetter who writes for the Manila Standard and People Asia, among others. She took a recent trip to Greece and had this to say about her fellow Pinoys:

"The hub was in Dubai and the majority of OFWs (Overseas Filipino workers) were stationed there. The duty-free shop was overrun with Filipino workers selling cell phones and perfume. Meanwhile, I wanted to slash my wrist at the thought of being trapped in a plane with all of them. Of course, everyone in economy class was yelled at for having overweight hand-carries. Mine was 17 kg (ssshhhh!). That was all makeup and accessories I would never risk losing if my luggage ended up in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

While I was on the plane (where the seats were so small i had bruises on my legs), my only consolation was the entertainment on the small flat screen in front of me. But it was busted, so I heaved a sigh, popped my sleeping pills and dozed off to the sounds of gum chewing and endless yellowing of "HOY! Kumusta ka na? At taga saan ka? Domestic helper ka rin ba?" Translation: "Hey there? Where are you from? Are you a domestic helper as well?" I thought I had died and God had sent me to my very own private hell."

She also said this:

"On my way back, I had to bravely take the economy flight once more. This time I had already resigned myself to being trapped like a sardine in a sardine can with all these OFWs smelling of AXE and Charlie cologne while my Jo Malone evaporated into thin air."

That article came out in People Asia. She also printed a defense of said article after a substantial number of bloggers commented vehemently against her prejudice and the way she maligned and belittled the Filipino OFW.

First off ... I will be the first to agree that travelling with a bunch of Pinoy OFWs is not the most peaceful experience of this lifetlime. But an airplane is public transportation -- you have got just grin and bear it should you have the misfortune of travelling with a bunch of excited Pinoys on their way home (or a bunch of excited Pinoys on their first overseas trip).

The fact that they are noisy and boisterous does not give anyone, not even an overweight diva such as Malu Fernandez the right to malign and insult them. What irks me even more is how she all but says that Pinoy OFWs stink. No person has the right to insult anyone that way ... OFW or not. Stinky or not, noisy or not.

I will not even begin to describe how grossly overweight and bad looking this self proclaimed diva is (she calls herself divalicious, the nerve).

I will not even say that the reason why her thighs got bruised in her economy class seats was not because the seats were cramped but because her thighs were too fukkin' wide to begin with.

I wont even tell you all how much of a social climbing bitch she is by saying she wears Jo Malone perfume (that can be bought at any Marshall's store for a fraction of what it costs in the malls).

Oh wait.

I just did.

My bad.

A Handful of Stardust...

2007-08-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

Stardust opened in cinemas last Friday here and I watched it that same evening. This story has always been one of my favorite books - its whimsical and light, its funny and scary, its got love and lovers, treachery and deceit. In short. Its a fairytale.

he movie did just that - translated the fairy tale into a movie. The movie succeeds in bringing people back to the day and age when The Wall and Stormhold existed. The production design was executed really well. There was just the right amount of "special effects" ... not too much that it detracts from the mood and setting of the story, but enough so that it gives the viewers little jolts every now and then. Make up and costume was flawless - especially the make up and prosthetics done on the ghosts of the 7 brothers / wannabe Stormhold heirs.

The movie starts off with a narration done by no other than Ian McKellen; this sets the mood of the movie perfectly. The movie was well acted and well directed - it made me laugh at Yvaine and Tristan's misadventures... made me want to strangle the remaining 3 brothers and the 3 witches for their selfishness. I cheered when they triumphed. I cried when Tristan realized his feelings for Yvaine.

Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert de Niro were fantastic in this movie. They camped it out .. in a big way. I guess im a bit disappointed by Clare Danes' performance as Yvaine... she was too bland, and to my mind, not magical enough to pull the role off. Charlie Cox as Tristan was fumbling and charming in just the right proportions ... but again, there was something lacking in his portrayal of the lovestruck Tristan. That to me was the biggest letdown as far as this movie was concerned - the actors playing the lead roles could have been better chosen.

There were some cinematic liberties taken with the story but I can understand why - those cinematic liberties made the story more amusing actually. They made the story more visually appealing ... and was the perfect way to bridge the gap between the written word and a movie. This movie was a real treat. One HUGE real treat. I wont gush and say the movie changed my life but im amazed and glad that I was able to visually experience one of my most favorite stories of all time.

As most fairy stories go, this one makes us believe that good will always triumph over evil and that ... happy endings are always possible - you just have to believe in them.

Curiosity Didnt Kill The Cat -- This Time...

2007-08-07T13:53:00.000-05:00

...some discoveries are meant to humble us. and so i was. humbled. yesterday, after reading what i did, i realized that i had placed my loyalties with the wrong person. hearing one side of the story is not enough basis for me to pick a side. i forgot the term benefit of the doubt, perhaps because my attention was engaged so thorougly then.

the ironic thing is ... the discovery came from ... no other way to put it ... the source of the lie. yup. it is true. often it is our very lips that get us caught. and i caught it. in a big way. now i understand. now i know.

an apology, albeit silent... goes out to you. im sorry for making a judgment call based on only one side of the story. now i know better. im taking no ones side... i dont need to. as they always say, actions speak louder than words.

as for you ... now i know what sort of person you really are. inspite of that, a note of thanks goes out to you ... because you yourself showed me who and what you really are. this was a lesson learned for me; an exercise in humility; a realization thats long, long, long overdue.

so in the end, curiosity does not always kill the cat.

D'Oh: The Simpsons Movie

2007-08-01T03:56:00.000-05:00

The Simpson's movie is a must watch ... if only to see Marge in that sexy outfit of hers...

Seriously though, whats not to like about this movie? It makes no pretensions about what it is and what it aims to do. Its a fun, funny movie that pokes fun in the most mundane of things.

The humor is ascerbic and crude - whats not to like about that? It did not stray far from the tried and tested formula that made The Simpsons one of the longest running TV shows of all time.

Plus... who can resist Spider Pig aka Harry Plopper?

Watch it. Guffaw. Laugh out loud. Burp if you have to.

Just watch it.

Wynken, Blynken and Nod

2007-07-14T13:06:00.000-05:00

This particular piece of children's poetry was the first poem I ever liked... It still gives me comfort until now, especially during the rare times when sleep eludes me.

Wynken, Blynken and Nod
Eugene Field

Wynken, Blynken, and Nod one night
Sailed off in a wooden shoe---
Sailed on a river of crystal light,
Into a sea of dew.
"Where are you going, and what do you wish?
"The old moon asked the three.
"We have come to fish for the herring fish
That live in this beautiful sea;
Nets of silver and gold have we!"
Said Wynken,Blynken,
And Nod.

The old moon laughed and sang a song,
As they rocked in the wooden shoe,
And the wind that sped them all night long
Ruffled the waves of dew.
The little stars were the herring fish
That lived in that beautiful sea---
"Now cast your nets wherever you wish---
Never afeard are we";
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
Wynken,Blynken,
And Nod.

All night long their nets they threw
To the stars in the twinkling foam---
Then down from the skies came the wooden shoe,
Bringing the fishermen home;
'T was all so pretty a sail it seemed
As if it could not be,
And some folks thought 't was a dream they 'd dreamed
Of sailing that beautiful sea---
But I shall name you the fishermen three:
Wynken,Blynken,
And Nod.

Wynken and Blynken are two little eyes,
And Nod is a little head,
And the wooden shoe that sailed the skies
Is a wee one's trundle-bed.
So shut your eyes while mother sings
Of wonderful sights that be,
And you shall see the beautiful things
As you rock in the misty sea,
Where the old shoe rocked the fishermen three:
Wynken,Blynken,
And Nod.

Sleep well... Wynken, Blynken,
And Nod.

It Took a Rat(atouille) to Bring ME Back!

2007-07-09T15:37:00.001-05:00

Last Friday we saw two movies - Transformers and Ratatouille.

Suffice it to say I loved the Transformers: I have always loved the cartoon series, the movie was awe-fucking-some! But no I wont rave about that anymore ... Too many raves given to an undeniably great movie already ...

I will however, rave about Ratatouille. It was my unexpected treat that night and to my mind, the best movie I have seen in months. I have not been so enchanted, amused and drawn to a movie since I saw Pan's Labyrinth and Volver.

Its a deceptively simple story really. A garbage boy who just wants to hold down a job but cant; a rat who wants to be a chef but cant. Thrown together, they made their dreams happen. The way that the story developed was very smooth. The transition from one subplot to another was handled with grace and finesse. Somehow, the guys over at Pixar managed to make the ickiest of creatures endearing -- Remy and his part snobbish part wistful air; his brother who is always hungry and who keeps bringing more and more people for Remy to feed and his dad who comes across as the typical dad: tough but with an unexpected sweet side that means he will never, ever turn his back on his son.

Linguini as the garbage boy turned chef turned restaurateur was also a sympathetic character. One cannot help but feel sorry for him and his inability to hold down a job. We cant help but cheer when he and Remy finally get their act together; cant help but swoon when Remy and Colette finally kiss. Even the bad guys are amusing - Skinner with his avarice and Anton Ego, who in the end turns out to be quite human after all.

Ratatoiulle is more than just a cartoon ... both Remy and Linguini have to make choices between what they want to be and what they think they can achieve. Remy in the end, comes to realize that one does not turn his back on family. Linquini comes to terms with his own heritage as well. It also puts forth the learning that we always have to be accountable for our actions and decisions; and that to attain what we truly want, we sometimes have to give up what we think we need.

Technically - the film is flawless. It conjures up images of the classic Disney cartoons - think Snow White and Cinderella. The entire movie is able to evoke a lush feeling of Parisian grandeur in one scene and in another, totally gross us out with a platoon of rodents cooking away at a kitchen. One actually senses just how hot and hectic it can get in a 5star restaurant's kitchen; one can almost smell and taste the food that they have just made. Pixar's strength really lies in putting forth feelings through their animation and they have done a superb job of doing that in this movie. I love that they are able to combine simplicity and sophistication in this film and come up with something that is sublime.

In the end, my biggest take away from this movie came from Anton Ego when he said: "Not everyone can be a great artist... but a great artist can come from anywhere". Being what we want to be is possible - it just takes hard work and faith in oneself.

Dreaming of the Dreamgirls

2007-02-01T13:23:00.000-06:00

Based on a Broadway play of the same title, this movie retells the story of Diana Ross and the Supremes. Their struggles to get into the big scene. Their producers' struggle get their music heard. Their personal stories of loss, triumph and anguish.

What started as an amateur singing group competing in hometown singing contests grew to be one of the hottest acts in musical history. But along the way - there were the issues of drugs, love, respect, family and dignity ... things that often get sacrificed in the pursuit of fame.

This movie, understandably had a great soundtrack. Individually, the actors sang their parts well but Jennifer Hudson (of American Idol fame) stood out in her performances as Effie. Her voice was solid, her acting as the would be lead singer passed over for a thinner girl was profound. This was her movie. More than Beyonce's. More than anyone else's. She gave depth and substance to a complex character and showed both toughness and a heartbreaking vulnerability.

The production design was very good - it captured the lush era that was the 60s and 70s - both in terms of make up, clothing, interiors and atmosphere. There was the right amount of socio-political/historical references appropriate to the era that the movie was set in.

All told, a good watch. Not the best movie of the year but one of the good ones.

What strikes me is that - the Dreamgirls is a story of how stars are built .. and in this movie we may have actually seen the emergence of one such star in Jennifer Hudson.

Flights of Fancy, Brutal Reality

2007-01-27T21:59:00.000-06:00

It must be my weekend for watching subtitled movies. Pan's Labyrinth, a film by Guillermo del Toro is undoubtedly, one of the best films I have seen in the not so recent past. Its set in the post Franco era of Spain and tells us parallel stories.

The movie opens with the tale of the Princess of the Underworld:

A long time ago, in the underground realm, where there are no lies or pain, there lived a Princess who dreamt of the human world. She dreamt of blue skies, soft breeze and sunshine. One day, eluding her keepers, the Princess escaped. Once outside, the brightness blinded her and erased every trace of the past from her memory. She forgot who she was, and where she came from. Her body suffered cold, sickness and pain. Eventually she died. However, her father, the King, always knew that the Princess' soul would return, perhaps in another body, in another place, at another time. And he would wait for her, until he drew his last breath, until the world stopped turning...

The first parallel is the story of Ofelia. Ofelia is a 12 year old girl whose mother remarried a Captain who is in charge of rounding out and fighting it out with guerillas in a distant Spanish town. She travels to live with the Captain together with her mother who is expecting the Captain's baby. On top of having to deal with new surroundings and a new father, Ofelia is a young girl who is given to flights of fancy. As they arrive in their new home, an insect catches her attention. That insect guides her into a Labyrinth (or a maze).

The Captain's housekeeper, Mercedes finds her and cautions her about getting lost in the labyrinth. Mercedes's story is the second parallel in the movie. She is, ironically, the housekeeper of the Captain as well as supportive sister to the leader of the guerillas. She has also enlisted the aid of the Captain's physician who smuggles medical supplies for the ailing guerrilistas.

Ofelia is guided into the labyrinth by the insect whom she fancies to be a fairy. There she meets the Faun (Pan) who tells her that she is the Princess of the Underworld. He hands her a book and tells her that to be able to return to her kingdom, she has to complete three tasks. At this point, anything is a good alternative to living with the Captain, so Ofelia embarks on her tasks.

The twists and turns of the story lie in the fact that as Ofelia struggles with the tasks that will allow her to reclaim her throne, Mercedes also struggles with supporting her guerilla brother and working for the Captain. We actually have two stories running in parallel - one in a fantasy world and another in brutal reality. In the end, tough choices are made by everyone and as with any fairy tale, rewards are given to the just.

However, this film is more than a fairy tale. Its gives the powerful message that in order to live our lives in the way that we were intended to, we need to depend on our judgment and make use of our free will. There is no use for blind obedience to an arbitrary authority figure - this only leads us to lose all that we hold dear. It ultimately leads to the destruction of our souls. We can only depend on ourselves for guidance and that blind obedience to an arbitrary authority figure leads to the destruction of our souls is the true message of this movie. It gives us the painful truth that evil in the hearts of men is real and magic does not always really exist. It leaves us with the chilling reality that there are rarely second chances in life ... and that sometimes, what we value most we can only achieve at great cost. To get to the heart of this movie is to go beyond the flights of fancy and the special effects (kept to an elegant minimum). To get to the heart of this movie is to examine one's heart and mind.

Volver

2007-01-27T11:21:00.000-06:00

A film noir disguised as a chick flick. In a sentence that is how I would describe this movie. Pedro Almodovar does an excellent job of weaving a story that is so reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock with its many twists and turns.

The film opens with the Spanish ritual of widows cleaning their graves. There we meet Raimunda, her daughter Paula and her sister Sole. They are cleaning the grave of Irene, their deceased mother/grandmother and much is being said about how lucky she was to have died in the arms of the man she loved. In that first scene, we also meet Agustina - their neighbor and apparently, a close family friend. In the first ten minutes of the movie, we have actually met half of the film's main characters.

Raimunda, Sole and Paula proceed to visit Tia Paula - their elderly aunt/great aunt who lives by herself. She is so old she talks about Irene (the women's mother) as if she was alive. Sole goes up to use the bathroom and feels their deceased mothers' presence so strongly she is spooked. What is weirder is how their apparently blind aunt is able to cook food for them to bring home. After they visit their aunt, they also visit with Agustina. Agustina is haunted by the disappearance of her mother. She is also a kind soul who looks into the women's elderly aunt whenever she can. They talk about the disappearance of Agustina's mother, which happens on the same day that the women's mother passes away.

As they make their way home, Almodovar uses the windmills of La Mancha to establish a transition point. This is a constant in the movie. As the characters make their way to and from Madrid and La Mancha, the windmills are like a gate that they pass through. In Madrid, we meet Paco. Raimunda's constantly drunk husband who apparently has the hots for their daughter. He has also lost his job for what appears to be the nth time. In the morning, we see how Raimunda shuffles 3 jobs to make ends meet.

Raimunda makes her way home only to find out that her husband tried to rape their daughter and in the process was accidentally killed. Mother and daughter struggle to find a hiding place for the body and a solution is unwittingly offered when their neighbor asks them to look over his cafe as he is moving to Barcelona. The body is stuffed in the huge chest freezer, for now.

Their aunt passes away and Sole gets the surprise of her life when the ghost of their dead mother decides to join her in Madrid. She stuffs herself in the trunk of the car and moves in with Sole where she helps her in her beauty parlor business. In time, Paula meets her grandmother; by then only Raimunda does not know that the ghost of their mother is in town. Agustina contracts cancer and asks Raimunda for one last favor before she passes away - that Raimunda ask the ghost of her deceased mother what really happened to her mother who disappeared. And this is where the story gets really interesting.

Much of the twists and turns in the story happen in the last half hour of it. Much of the revelations are also in the last half hour. The movie does not contain the trademark Almodovar suspense but the revelations at the end are so gently given that you feel as if you were indeed, hanging on a cliff for the past hour and a half waiting to find out what really happened. Almodovar created the film to make it as if it were a gentle train ride: one that almost lulls you to a sense of relaxation; then he hits you with revelations left and right to make sure you walk out of the theater with your eyes wide open.

The acting was good - all women in the film played their parts very well. I was pleasantly surprised to see Penelope Cruz in her element (after her more bland Hollywood ventures). The rest of the ladies did really well - the mother Irene, is sad and funny all at the same time. Agustina, the lady in search of her mother was tortured yet resigned. She was cool as this elderly lady who smoked pot and had a hippie mother. Sole and Paula (the daughter) whose parts were less colorful likewise had their moments to shine in the movie.

In the end, while Volver is a chick flick because its a film about how women stick together through generations, misunderstandings and trials; its also a film about life. Its treated in a very film noir manner by Almodovar who uses the twists and turns in the lives of these women to weave a tale about how life really revolves around "returns" and coming full circle.

Volver means The Return - and in the context of this movie the word return takes on many, many different dimensions. The interwoven stories in this film show us those dimensions with crystal clear precision. Its both witty and heartbreaking, its a beautifully told story. One that is worth returning to.

Persistence. Perseverance.

2007-01-24T15:19:00.000-06:00

Two movies. Different eras. One common theme - Persistence and Perseverance.

I actually watched Apocalypto and The Pursuit of HappYness on the same night. It was raining, there was nothing better to do so my friend and I ended up at the local cineplex to watch at least 2 movies. These 2 movies were our choices. Mind you, they were not easy movies to watch. There was so much going on in both films that at the end of our marathon, we were both exhausted.

Apocalypto, if one looks past beyond the Mayan setting, the subtitles and the interesting production design is a simple story. Its about a man's coming of age. The story begins with a group of hunters - as men are wont to do, they were fooling around and cracking jokes after a k*ll. As they were divvying up the spoils of the hunt, they encounter a group of people from another tribe seeking passage. They were given a warning about "what was to come". This warning unsettles them but once they make their way back to camp, they settle into their usual lives.

They are attacked in the middle of the night, the grown men and women are taken captive, while the children are left behind. One of them hides his pregnant wife and little boy in a ravine and promises to come back for them. The story revolves around his struggle to come back to his waiting family. Turns out that their captors are gathering human sacrifices because of a drought. On the way back to the captors' camp they encounter a group of lepers - a little girl suffering with leprosy gives out a prediction that spells doom for the captors but ...she is ignored.

They move on and reach camp.As the captives were about to be sacrificed, there is an eclipse and the high priest decrees that the drought is over. The captives are told they will be set free if they are able to cross an obstacle-course like field and run out of it alive. One of them (the main protagonist who has committed to come back for his family) kills the son of the captor's commander escapes. The Commander and his men run after him.They run and struggle. Run and hide. Run and run. Across fields and river, across quicksand and a ravine full of dead bodies. One by one - his pursuers die, in fulfillment of the leper girl's prophecy.

In the end, he makes it back, rescues his family and they make their way to safety. Simple story, action packed. Leaves one tired and breathless.

In the end, the realization is simple.

Persist. Push on. Dont give up. Anything is possible if you want it hard enough.

Segue to ... The Pursuit of HappYness. Its about a guy who seems to be at the end of his rope. His wife has left him, he is raising a little boy alone, he is selling a piece of medical equipment that no one seems to want to buy but everyone seems to want to steal.

He wants a good future for his family. He realizes the only way he can do this is to find a better paying job - this realization comes to him when he encounters a stockbroker parking his sportscar. Our hero is a smart guy. He graduated top of his class - but it was in a small town, and it was just a class of 12. How does he make it in the "big city", in a big time firm, amongst the big boys?

He persists. He hijacks the Hiring Manager and goes on a cab ride with him in order to show him what he is made of, he impresses the firms' owner with his wit and humor. He visits a prospective client at home, gets to know that person and even if he doesnt get that account, it opens his door to a handful of prospective clients. He pounds the pavements, he dials the phone endlessly, he sleeps at a shelter and at subway restroom. His bank account gets garnished by the IRS, he went to work carrying all his worldly possessions in his shoulder. I

n short - everything that could possibly go wrong in his life, went wrong. But in the end, it all went perfectly right. He was the sole intern hired onto a regular position in that firm. He went on to form his own company a few years down the road.

He made it. He made it because he wanted it badly enough. He made it because he worked hard for it. He made it because he was undaunted by the fact that everything in his life went wrong before it turned right.

Again - deceptively simple story. Deceptively simple premise.

But the takeaway is more powerful than anything.

Hard work. Persistence. Perseverance. Determination.

Things that we badly need these days in order to make it through this struggle called life.

Curse of the Golden Flower

2007-01-18T11:11:00.000-06:00

Summary from Sony Pictures Classics:

China, Later Tang Dynasty, 10th Century. On the eve of the Chong Yang Festival, golden flowers fill the Imperial Palace. The Emperor (Chow Yun Fat) returns unexpectedly with his second son, Prince Jai (Jay Chou). His pretext is to celebrate the holiday with his family, but given the chilled relations between the Emperor and the ailing Empress (Gong Li), this seems disingenuous.

For many years, the Empress and Crown Prince Wan (Liu Ye), her stepson, have had an illicit liaison. Feeling trapped, Prince Wan dreams of escaping the palace with his secret love Chan (Li Man), the Imperial Doctor's daughter. Meanwhile, Prince Jai, the faithful son, grows worried over the Empress's health and her obsession with golden chrysanthemums. Could she be headed down an ominous path? The Emperor harbors equally clandestine plans; the Imperial Doctor (Ni Dahong) is the only one privy to his machinations.

When the Emperor senses a looming threat, he relocates the doctor's family from the Palace to a remote area. While they are en route, mysterious assassins attack them. Chan and her mother, Jiang Shi (Chen Jin) are forced back to the palace. Their return sets off a tumultuous sequence of dark surprises.

Amid the glamour and grandeur of the festival, ugly secrets are revealed. As the Imperial Family continues its elaborate charade in a palatial setting, thousands of golden armored warriors charge the palace. Who is behind this brutal rebellion? Where do Prince Jai's loyalties lie? Between love and desire, is there a final winner? Against a moonlit night, thousands of chrysanthemum blossoms are trampled as blood spills across the Imperial Palace.

I saw this movie and was mesmerized by it. The visuals are simply stunning. Granted I would say that most of it is CGI but the colors, the mood, the costumes - they were not only authentic, they were also visually appealing and stimulating. Obviously, tons of research was put into this movie. It was interesting how they captured the workings of an Empire to the minutest detail. From clothing, to rites and rituals, to relationships and pecking order.

The premise of the story is decevingly simple. An Emperor and an Empress at odds with each other. What makes the story interesting are the little subplots that pop up along the way. The story was tightly written such that you had little clues along the way as to how the story would pan out but how it actually turns out is still a huge surprise in the end.

The acting was wonderful. Gong Li as the suffering Empress was simply flawless. Chow Yun Fat as the ruthless Emperor gave a solid performance. Amongst the "younger" cast, the best performance was given by Liu Ye who played Crown Prince Wan. He was not a strong crown prince to begin with, and his struggle with his warring loyalties, his desire for his stepmother and his love for his girlfriend was clearly apparent in his actions and reactions. Jay Chou, a Taiwanese pop star was a revelation in his role as 2nd Prince Jai. He gave a pretty good performance and held his own against the more experienced actors in the cast.

As I was watching this story unfold, and as I followed it through its ending, my biggest takeaway from it was that ... dysfunctional families have been around since ... forever. We read so much now about how environment and technology and distance and all that have caused our families to be dysfunctional. Watching this movie just shows us that people in this day and age do not have the monopoly on being dysfunctional. I guess people have been that way since -- forever.

Their story can easily be likened to that of a modern day family - struggling against each other. Perhaps the reasons for the struggle are not as grandiose as the control of an empire but they are real struggles nonetheless. Perhaps families now do not resort to wasting the lives of thousands of soldiers in order to resolve their issues but the battles are there anyway.

This is a good movie because it mirrors the present day in a very unobtrusive manner.

This is a good movie because you walk away from it with insights on relationships and personal dynamics.

This is a good movie because underneath the grandeur, the drama and the glitz, its just all about real life.

Reintroductions

2007-01-15T13:29:00.000-06:00

I wrote this to reintroduce myself to highschool classmates in a yahoo group that i stumbled into. It IS good to rekindle old friendships and form new ones.

Today is Martin Luther King Day and im at work. The rebellious soul in me refused to work so I spent most of the morning checking and responding to emails that have accumulated over the holidays. I had in my "family" email address an email from my cousin in Philadelphia. It said something about a class reunion...

Curious, I opened the mail and saw very familiar names and places. I browsed on. And on. A few more clicks of the mouse and I was led to this yahoo group. Gee. 2000 something messages. Oh well, I have the rest of the day to read and browse. Familiar names brought on a rush of memories. Visions and memories of the past so to speak. It HAS been so long ago. Honestly, though, remembrances of highschool will never be forgotten. How does one forget first crushes, first embarassments, first failures, first successes? No matter how jaded and cynical we become, no matter how tired and weary we are, we will always have highschool. Right? Right.

So. I remember me as that fat kid that no one really liked but everyone tolerated back in highscool. Growing up has given me a healthy sense of self acceptance that allows me to write up stuff like this now.

After I finished college, I stuck around Manila and worked. I was deeply into Human Resources work and eventually went into Organizational Development Consutling. I took care of my mom until she passed away. And then I migrated. I left the Philippines in March of 2004. I have been living and working in Houston, Texas since then.

When I got here, I went back to school for a bit in order to study for my teacher certification. From there, I worked as a preschool teacher for a private school. I eventually moved into the Houston public school system as a pre-K teacher but had to change jobs this year because the drive to my school was just too long and impractical.

Im a Logistics Specialist now for an Oil and Gas Exploration firm here in Houston. A dream of a job for a slightly obsessive compulsive soul like me. I live here with my middle sister who is currently in the Philippines for an extended vacation.

I write in my spare time. Nothing professional. Just the ramblings of an old soul in a foreign land. When I can afford it, I try to see as much of the US as I can. I was in the New York/New Jersey/Philadelphia area last December. Prior to that I was a regular visitor of the Pasadena/Glendale area. Ive been to Vegas once. I got overwhelmed by it. Too glitzy.

I miss the Philippines. I miss home. I miss the traffic and the scent of diesel fumes wafting off jeepneys. I miss the MRT and jostling against human bodies. I miss isaw and Jollibee (no matter what they say, the Jollibee in California is just NOT the same). I miss Greenbelt 3 and hanging out til the wee hours there.

But what ive realized this morning is ive missed growing up with you all... and finding out how you have all fared. And knowing your kids and your spouses. And just generally carrying on the "friendships" we have made after long years of togetherness. So, today, I humbly reintroduce myself to y'all again.From Houston, this is Carina Montealegre signing in.

I hope im welcome.

BTW - I answer to either Nina or Kai.

Thanks y'all. Have a great week ahead.

Sulat Para Kay Pekto (as in Perpekto)

2007-01-11T12:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Pekto,

Alam mo, I never thought dadating ako sa point na sasabihin kong pinagsisisihan ko na pinapasok kita sa buhay ko. Pero unique ka talaga. Sa lahat ng tao na nakilala ko, ikaw lang yata ang pagsisisihan ko.

Bakit kamo. Biro mo, sight unseen tinanggap kita. For who you are... baggage and all, issues and all. Madaming tanong sa isip ko pero isinantabi ko yun kasi nga, tinanggap kita dahil sa kung ano ka at kung hindi ano ka maaring maging. What did I get in return? Pagdududa, pagtalikod, kalakalahating bersyon ng katotohanan, mga salitang iba ang ibig sabihin kahapon, ngayon at bukas, mga pangungusap na nag iiba ang saysay depende sa kung kanino sinasabi.

Ilang beses na ba ko nagalit. Ang dami na. Ilang beses ko na din sinabing tama na. Tigilan na ang kabobohan. Pero ugali ko na kasing di ako tumatalikod sa tao eh. Lalo pa at tinanggap ko bilang kaibgan ang taong yun. So ... sige lang, habang kaya tanggapin.

Pero naman naman. After mo ibalibag pabalik sa kin ang friendship ko ... eh di mo pa din ba pwedeng wag na lang ako pakialaman? Eh ... ayaw mo naman ako maging kaibigan pero mega comment ka pa din sa mga nangyayari sa kin? Mega judgment call ka pa din that whatever im going through now is because of some fatal flaw in my character? All those conclusions reached about someone you hardly know. Because believe me what you know about me - you barely scratched the surface. Bakit kamo? Kasi you never listened. You just heard. More than that, you also closed your ears and mind when you didnt like what you were hearing.

Hay. Ano ba yan. Just quit it. Quit making me the your amuse-bouche of the day. Quit getting your quick laughs over what you think im going through. Quit watching my life as if it were the Truman show... I mean ikaw na din ang nagsabi, your life is so full na diba? Eh kung ganon naman pala na your life is so full na, revel in it na lang. Be happy and be proud of the fact that, as always, you come out smelling like roses. Charmed life ka diba?

Wag mo na pagka aliwan ang mga perceived misfortunes of others, most especially when you dont know anything about what they are going through. Or worse, you never bothered to find out what they were going through. Wag mo na din pagtripan at pagtawanan ang mga trials ng iba. Thats so small of you.

Alam mo, akala ko noon, you were such a good person eh. But lately, na re realize ko mali nga yata ako... slightly selfish ka, but arent we all? But on top of that selfishness, you have a mean streak a mile wide. As in. Superdupermega mean ka. Now I know... and I understand. Ang dami ko nainitindihan about you and why youre that way the past days and months. Lalo ko tuloy iniisip ngayon, sa lahat ng sinabi mo sa akin, alin kaya ang totoo? Alin ang kathang isip? Alin ang dala ng malikot na imahinasyon? Will I ever know? Doubtful. Saka siguro, I dont want to know na din.

So ... tama na. Just live your full life. Kung miserable ang ibang tao, let them be miserable. Wag ka na mag enjoy sa misery nila. Kasi ... baka bumalik eh. Alam mo na, boomerang effect chuva.

I guess thats that.

Have a good life.

-Karing

Unsent 1.

2007-01-05T11:53:00.000-06:00

Kumusta ka na kaya? Wala lang. Nakakamiss ka kasi eh. Siguro nakasanayan ko na lang din na kaparte ka na ng araw ko. Routine baga. Teka, is that good or bad? I wonder.

At any rate, di naman yun ang reason bakit kita sinusulatan now eh. Labo nga. Susulatan kita, alam ko naman na hindi mo mababasa. Pero sige lang. Siguro at some point, ipapabasa ko din sa iyo to. Siguro. Ewan natin.

Ang hirap ng may tanong na walang sagot no? Parang ... I keep on running over the events of the past days in my head... trying to understand what happened. Siguro nga ang nangyari ay nangyari noong wala ka na dito. Kaya siguro di ko maintindihan. Pero you know me, you know how my mind works... kasi ganyan din ang takbo ng utak mo eh. Iisipin at iisipin ko na may ginawa akong mali. Yan ang malaking fault nating mga Taurus. Kunyari strong-strongan pero we take a lot of things to heart.

Anyway. I hope okay ka lang. I hope di mo masyadong dinidibdib ang pagpapaka ermitanyo mo. I know madami kang new challenges at new responsibilities at work - focus on that and harness that to help you resolve whatever it is you need to resolve. I also hope youre working out responsibly and eating on time. Wag ka na kakain ng mga damo damo parati ha. Saka yun mga grains chuva na yan - masama sa kalusugan yan.

Ano pa ba. Ah eto. Just something I picked up somewhere. When I read it, I remembered you.

No self respecting person moves on undefined.

Diba totoo? Sa lahat ng pagdaraanan natin sa buhay - may mababago sa atin. Sana for the better. Sana whatever it is we go through serves to make us stronger people rather than bring us down.

Gaya ng sinabi natin the last time we talked... andito lang ako. Andyan ka din lang. Maybe at some point, our paths will converge again... hopefully, under better circumstances. Who knows what tomorrow brings, diba?

Stay warm. Forge on.

Youre in my thoughts and prayers always.

-N

Huling Paguusap

2007-01-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

...magiging sinungaling ako kapag sinabi kong hindi ako nabago ng ating huling paguusap.

...magiging plastik ako kapag sinabi kong walang hinanakit na dinala sa aking puso kahit kaunti ang mga huling salitang binitiwan natin.

...pero alam ko na wala akong magagawa na kung hindi tanggapin ang nais mong mangyari.

...ang tangi kong magagawa ay gagamitin ko ang lahat ng nangyari, tanggapin ang lahat ng nasabi, isapuso ang lahat ng naranasan sa mga nakaraang araw.

...gamitin ang lahat ng ito para maging isang mas mabuting tao...para maintindihan ka...para matanggap ang kinahinatnan ng lahat ng ito.

...hindi madali pero kakayanin. hindi ito ang gusto ng aking puso at isip pero gugustuhin.

...walang pagsisisi. ni katiting. ngayon man o magpakailanman.

Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?

2007-01-02T13:55:00.000-06:00

Do you wonder, same as I do -

What might have been?

We were both such cowards.

Copping out of speaking what was in our minds.

Couching feelings in well thought out phrases.

Platitudes.

Lines.

Do you wonder, same as I do -

What the future holds?

Will we both recover enough to pick up

The threads of what we have all but cut off?

Do you remember?

Do you recall?

Words spoken.

Glances exchanged.

Steps taken together.

Miles travelled.

Laughter shared.

Hands held.

Embraces traded.

Kisses exchanged.

Plans and promises made.

Do you?

I do.

But ill let it go -

While its still possible.

Before it gets any deeper.

I Dont Get It...

2006-12-15T12:43:00.000-06:00

You asked for release and relief and I gave it to you, albeit reluctantly.

You said you wanted to just move on without me, and I agreed.

You threw the friendship I offered right back to my face and I took it.

And I moved on. And on. And on.

And now...

You act as if I did you a tremendous wrong.

You hurl words that hurt and maim.

You deliberately cause pain.

Why? I dont get it.

I gave you what you wanted. Was that not enough?

I stayed away. Does that still not cut it?

Its almost as if you are hellbent on making sure I dont find my happiness.

Its almost as if you resent the fact that I found my happy place.

Its almost as if youre unhappy that im not the miserable wretch I was during our time.

Its almost as if... you cant stand not knowing whats going on with me... cant stand my silence.

Dare I say it?

Or do I just leave the obvious conclusion at that?

Wanderlust

2006-12-14T10:54:00.000-06:00

Quite recently, I fed the wanderlust in my soul again.
Here's my travel diary.

Ive never really had the chance to write up my travel diary for the lightning trip I took to the New York/New Jersey/Philadelphia area a few weeks ago. Things have been hectic since I got back but now I find myself with some idle time. Were off to our Christmas Lunch in a bit and somehow, things are relaxed here at the office today.

I left Houston on November 30, Thursday. I still did a full day of work and rushed home at 5 pm to wait for my sister's friend Diane who has kindly agreed to take care of our puppy Mojo during the time I was gone. Of course, I had a slight panic attack. At 545 pm, she has not shown up and worse, she was not picking up her calls. Panic...panic. Called Puppy Boarding service - full. Called Vet - full. Called my friend Marc - hes scared of dogs but agreed to pop over to my house twice a day to feed Mo. But as Marc and I were making arrangements, Diane showed up. I handed over Mo and his little suitcase of puppy stuff; hauled my suitcase to the car and was off to the airport.

Whats funny was I left Houston during an uncharacteristic cold spell. We dont usually get weather in the 30s that early but it was cold that day. I parked my car at an extended stay parking lot and was brought to the airport by a shuttle service, only to find out that my flight was delayed by 3 hours. Yup. Three whole hours. I decided to eat, browse around the shops and then settled down by the boarding gate and just talked on the phone with a friend til my flight was called.

Yay. I was finally on my way. Landed at the Newark Airport at around 2... and was fetched by Michelle soon after. We got home and started to talk. And talk. And talk. We had brave plans to attend a Spin Class at 6 am but when we looked at the time, it was already 640 am. Missed the class, of course. We dozed off a bit, had brunch - they had the best muffins ive had in a while in a Bakery close by their house. I got Bran and quickie got Carrot. That with coffee made for a very filling brunch.

We prepped to leave for New York and was at the bus station when the rain started to fall. Worse - we missed the bus (or thought we did) ... so we headed back home to wait it out. We caught the next bus (but it was also a longish wait ... that made us think perhaps we didnt miss the earlier bus after all... it was just late too) and dozed on the way to New York.

First order of business - score Broadway tickets. We had agreed to watch Les Miserables - that was our first choice. Second choice was Phantom of the Opera ... third was ... wait, did we have a third choice? Anyway... the line was tremendously long at TKTS but moved fairly fast. We got the last 2 of the remaining 3 tickets for the show ... goodie! By then we were hungry so we ate at Juniors: sandwiches and Cheesecake!!! The bestest, most sinful cheesecake I have had in a long time.

Tummies full, we headed off on a quick walk around New York.... but before that, we visited the Charmin Bathroom. It was cute. Sponsored by the makers of Charmin Bath Tissue, it had 20 bathroom stalls that are clean, well maintained and well stocked with Charmin bathroom tissue... and cheery attendants doing the Charmin dance. I took pictures - yeah, what a touristy thing to do huh?

We walked around the City then - all around, up and down, left and right... (of course I dont remember the streets) but we saw the tree at Rockefeller Center, St Patrick's Cathedral, the shops along 5th Avenue, Trump Tower. Too much to take in in so short a time. Right before the show, we had a quick meal of Soup Inside. Its a dumpling filled with soup inside it. Interesting and very good.

Finally... the show. It was my first time to watch a Broadway show. I had seen Les Miz previously during the Philippine production but ... Broadway has a magic all its own. We got pretty good seats too. We settled in and I just let the magic take over me. It was good. I have no other words for it other than that. The girl who played Fantine was a bit disappointing but that was a minor irritant.

We had coffee at Dunkin Donuts while waiting for John ... Thats one thing I like bout the NY/NJ/Philly area - they have a lot of DD stores - something we dont have here. The coffee is good and cheap and plentiful. We also attacked the remnants of our cheesecake while waiting. When the three of us finally met up, we ate AGAIN, at a diner this time... then we headed home.

I was up bright and early Saturday to take my first Amtrak ride to Philadelphia. It was a 45 minute ride and for the uninitiated (thats me), it was quite an experience. When I got to Philly, my cousin, Carlos was waiting to pick me up. From the train station we proceeded to my other cousin, Oscar's house for breakfast. There I met his wife, Michelle and 2 kids (Oscar Jr and Olivia Carina) for the first time. I had a great time bonding with those 2 kids... til it was time to go off to lunch.

We had lunch at Rouge - one of the many nice places in Rittenhouse Square in the city center of Philly. I had this huge burger that I ALMOST finished (because I decided to not eat the bun) ... but it was still too much for me. Heavenly coffee and a good banana bread finished the meal. While waiting for my return trip to NJ, we made a quick stop at my cousin's house and then we were off!

I was picked up at the station and we proceeded to Tejas. Isnt it ironic - a Tex-Mex dinner for a Texan, in New Jersey? Cute, huh? Roehl was already there, along with Michelle and 2 mokongs: Jordan and Brian. I met the 2 mokongs for the first time there... and I fell in love with them in an instant. Quirky, funny and smart kids, those 2.

When Arnold finally made it to Tejas, we had dinner, where for the first time in many, many months (years?), I had a drink! Yay! A Melon Margarita. Then coffee and dessert in a diner... then home.

Sunday my last day - we had breakfast together (John, Michelle, Jordan, Brian and myself), I made some lechon paksiw out of the Thanksgiving lechon leftovers, heard mass and then drove to Princeton.

Princeton is such a pretty, pretty place. We had lunch at a microbrewery - where I had Honey Ale along with my lunch. After lunch, we had ice cream and headed home, I got ready to fly off... spent my last few minutes with the mokongs and got driven to the airport by Michelle.

This time, I had to check in my bags because I was carrying back with me to Houston 6 of those beautiful muffins, some of q's dads chicken curry and the lechon paksiw I made. The flight back to Houston was on time. I had my last cup of DD coffee as I talked to a friend on the phone and waited for my flight.

We boarded and waited 45 minutes to take off! We were 15th in line to take off from the Newark Airport runway. Gee. A country girl like me isnt used to these big city airports...

I arrived in Houston at around 1 am... and it was back to reality.

Ill come back ... in the Spring, of course when its warmer.

But for now, ill always have my New York Moment.

Ive said it before but ill say it again.
Thanks to Kuya Caloy, Kuya Oca, Michelle, Oscar Jr. and Olivia Carina.
Thanks to John, Michelle, Jordan and Brian.
Thanks to Roehl and Arnold.

Bored Outta My Skull....

2006-11-29T13:53:00.000-06:00

Tyra Banks? LOL!!!!

Hanging By A Moment

2006-11-08T10:02:00.000-06:00

desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where i started
chasing after you

not really chasing... more like walking alongside you. but yes, closer to where id like to be. definitely closer.

im falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held on to
im standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

who would have thought that was possible? not me. ive been running away from it. or at least trying to.

forgetting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me now

completely incomplete... thats me without you.

i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
and i don't know what i'm divin' into
just hanging by a moment here with you

no thought as to tomorrow. today is what counts. i dont know where this will lead me but im here for the ride.

there is nothing else to lose
there is nothing else to find
there is nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
there is nothing else

hows that for conviction?

desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where i started
chasing after you

desperate is a word of the past. i wont look for the truth. ill take what comes with the package.

im falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held on to
im standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you

nowhere else id rather be, actually.

i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
and i don't know what i'm divin' into
just hanging by a moment here with you

my oc soul hates the unknown but it hates being without you more.

just hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment...
hanging by a moment...
hanging by a moment here with you...

"with you" being the operative word.

i actually wrote this up a few months ago... during a time when mending fences was the order of the day.
i heard the song again yesterday... interesting timing since... it seems to me mending fences is once again the order of the day.

only this time it seems to me as if ... im trying to desperately mend a fence all by myself.

still, im hanging by a moment.

Undeniably Asian!!!

2006-10-10T12:08:00.000-05:00

These are supposedly my lookalikes.... LOL.

For S...

2006-07-12T09:20:00.000-05:00

i guess i did it again, huh? displeased you so totally that ... youre not even responding to my efforts to make amends anymore.

i did tell you why. i know it will sound as if im making an excuse again but im not. i was (maybe still slightly am) weepy. i dont know why. i just am. i dont want to keep on apologizing.... all this is making me sorry to be me.

maybe what i want doesnt matter anymore... but i cannot help but fight on. forge on. dream on. i dont know if it was an exercise in self torture but i went through our old talks of a few months back. i would give anything... and i mean anything to just get back to square one at this time. and then move forward from there. i dont want to give up. not after remembering how it all started.

in my mind, i am tempted to throw caution to the wind and say ... if i fail this one time... ill go. i dont know ... maybe thats the answer. maybe thats the solution. maybe.

in the meantime, please.... say something.

anything.

get me out of this miserable pit im in.

say anything.

-n

Resolve

2006-07-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

confidence at an all time low,

i remain unbowed and fighting.

i read back on our "history"

and it strengthened my resolve.

ill fight this out.

its worth it.

i dont even have to ask myself

if i can still hack it.

because i will hack it.

i will.

i will.

Q and A

2006-07-07T22:07:00.000-05:00

Question

Why so blue?

Answer

I yearn for what was, but... it doesnt seem destined to be.

Rebuttal

Sometimes relationships that take too much work are not worth maintaining.

Unanswered Question

Can you still handle it, Nina?

`Til when?

Nudged. Away.

2006-07-04T20:00:00.000-05:00

Nudged away. Bit by bit. Thats how I feel.
I am trying not to try so hard.... but at times I feel like im grasping at straws. Too tight and they slip past my hands, too light and its as if theyre not there.
Please dont blame me for yearning for what was... The present is such a far cry from the past and ... I am saddened at how it has turned out to be.
Patience is a virtue ... thats what everyone says. I know that now. And because all this is important to me.... I try. And try a bit more.
And I remember not to try too hard...

Spoke TOO SOON.

2006-06-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

Two steps forward, an entire block back.
I spoke too soon.
I felt too much.
I tried too hard.

Now im back at zero.
I didnt even get to pass GO and collect $200.
Stupid stupid Nina.
You dont deserve to be happy.

I dont deserve you.
Never have. Never will.
Im much too bitchy, much too unpleasant for you.
Im going to crawl under a rock now.
Thats where I deserve to be.
Not with you, not in your arms.
I will always love you.
Just not so flagrantly.
You will always have my heart.
Always.

SixCycleMind Par Trois

2006-06-21T14:58:00.000-05:00

Umaaraw na. Mainit na naman ang panahon.
Dala ng paginit ng panahong ito ... ang pag-asa.
Nagsisimulang ngumiti muli.
Mumunting mga yabag patungo sa pagtatama ng mga mali.

Touch

Feel me
I want you
Here by my side
The way you touch my soul
The way you heal my heart

Here I am. I'm pleading
Hear my plea, its forever... ever

So touch me now
Feel my hand
You are the one

So touch me now
Leave your doubts
You are
Yes you are

Save me
Breathe life back into my night
The time you give me hope
Is the time you give me life

How apt.
For you.
For always.

Still On SixCycleMind

2006-06-20T09:29:00.000-05:00

Umuulan pa din. And me being the stickler for self punishment that I am, syempre I continued to listen to SixCycleMind on my way to work. Di naman ako nag cry me a river ... pero I still feel this deep sadness in me. Right now, im the classic example of that phrase "putting up a brave front"... im trying to be okay, trying to be normal but what I feel is a void...something missing...something wrong.

On a positive note, I can feel the cocky, cheerful old NinaGirl returning. I gymmed... and that always hypes me up. I drove fast ... and that always makes me grin... There are little things to be smiling about (and yep, some big things too)... but I know what will make me whole again. I know.

Again, this is for you.

Naghihintay

Kay bilis agad na lumisan
Sandali 'wag mong kalimutan
Ako'y nandito lamang
Ako'y nandtio lang naghihintay

Itago mo ang ating alaala

Tumingin ka muna sa langit
Alisin lungkot at iyong luha
Ako'y nandito lamang
Ako'y nandito lang naghihintay

Kay bilis ka na lumisan....

Why do I keep on listening to this sad sad CD anyway?

SixCycleMind

2006-06-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

Bakit ba naisip isipan ko pakinggan tong CD na to? Today of all days.

Parang bawat kanta, tumatagos sa pagkatao ko. Parang bawat kanta isinulat para ipa alala sa akin ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko ngayon dahil sa ... sa alam mo na kung bakit.
Tapos umuulan pa. Parang nakikisama eh -- parang o hayan. Malungkot ka diba, mas malungkot ang kanta ... at para kumpleto ang usapan ... paulanin natin.

Sige ... umpisahan natin .... ito ang unang kantang narinig ko na napagisip ako.

I

Ay wag naman
Alisin ang
Nagiisang panaginip

Na ika'y magbabalik
Nagsasamang masaya
At walang pagkukulang

At ngayong wala ka na
Hindi alam kung saan magsisimula
Ang ngayon, bukas, kailanman nagiba
Wala bang bukas

Ay bahala na
Ang tanging narinig
Wala ka bang ibang masabi

Huwag ka nang mag alala
Inintindi ko
Ang lungkot na ginawa mo

Paulit-ulit, mananaginip
Pag gising ko wala pa rin
Hindi maamin ilang dalangin.
Wala na, wala ka, wala na.

O diba... swak. Parang isinulat para sa akin.

Hay.

Goin OFF The Juice

2006-06-18T20:22:00.000-05:00

I am going off the juice. It s a choice I made after much soul searching and yes... resistance.

When I started on the medication, I was warned by my PCP that there would be emotional effects to the meds. And yes, I have seen those emotional effects first hand when Ate was on steroids. I still remember the many times we would have raging fights over nothing. I still remember the many near accidents we have had as she would fly off in a rage over nothing as I was driving. I still remember the many times she hurt me... physically and otherwise (gee, how does one forget a coffee mug hitting one right smack in the back?)....

I noticed that I was not being me anymore a couple of weeks into the steroids. Already sensitive and easily stung, I became even more so. I even found myself imagining things. I became Prany ... with a capital P. I picked fights, I cried at the drop of a pin (well I always cry at a drop of a pin so that probably doesnt count).... All in all, I was not me anymore. I didnt like that. But because I wanted to get better faster, I kept at the meds.

But when the mood swings threatened what I hold dearest to my heart... I had to make a choice. And I am making that choice. As I communed with the ducks in the pond in George Bush park this morning... I decided to get off my steroids.

Ill manage. It wont be an easy week... withdrawal and all that. But ill pull through.

What is at stake is too important for me not to.

Please be there for me when I get through this.

Lets work together.

Please.

Fear

2006-06-17T21:22:00.000-05:00

i am afraid.

i fear.
i worry.
i fret.

i know that i should not.
i know i should keep the faith.
i know i should be strong.

things conspire against us.
people try to pull us apart.
people try to get between us.

i fear.
i worry.
i fret.

give me strength.
give me courage.
give me faith.

stand by me.
hold my hand.
keep my spirits up.

love me.
as i love you.
forever.

please take away my fear.

Sonnet XVII

2006-06-14T14:32:00.000-05:00

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Words escape me at this time. Perhaps this just about captures succintly the answer to the question posed to me a few hours ago. With all due respect to Mr. Neruda ... this is for you.

I was never one to attribute love to a reason. I just feel. I just love.

I still feel. I still love.

Quite desperately so, it seems.

Insensate

2006-06-13T12:34:00.000-05:00

I just came from the bathroom.
I flushed down all my medicines down the toilet.

I just got off the telephone.
I reactivated my membership at the gym.

Byebye nausea.
Hello sweat.

I am throwing in the towel. Im giving up the fight.
YOU have taken away my reason to fight.

No more medicines.
I would much rather kill myself working out.

If I die, at least
I'd die doing the thing I enjoy most... next to being with you that is.

You were the reason I was fighting on.
You have gone away.

No more reason to fight.
White towel thrown in.

Insensate.
That is me.

Main Entry: in·sen·sate
Pronunciation: (")in-'sen-"sAt, -s&t
Function: adjective
Etymology: Late Latin insensatus, from Latin in- + Late Latin sensatus having sense, from Latin sensus sense
1 : lacking sense or understanding;
2 : lacking animate awareness or sensation
3 : lacking humane feeling

An Unsent Letter

2006-05-27T17:56:00.000-05:00

Dearest,

It has not been an easy road for us to travel... in fact, im sure you cannot agree more with me when I say that it has probably been the most tumultuous couple of months in our lives. The ups, the downs. The highs, the lows.

Sometimes I wonder why fate seems to have it in for us... why whenever we seem to make some progress moving forward it seems to delight in shuttling us right back where we started. But then again, who are we to question fate. Who are we to wonder at what is the logic behind all this.

I always say to you that for me, its enough that there is an us. I always say that I would much rather spend what little time we can grab showing each other how we feel, or getting to know each other all the more. Yet, inspite of our best intentions, we often find ourselves at cross purposes. Youre right, you know. Two people with such strong personalities are bound to clash at some point. As we have clashed. But what I also know is this... two people with such strong personalities also cannot help but love as strongly, feel as deeply.

Much as we have things in common, we also have things in which we differ. I verbalize, you shut down. I rant and rave and rage, you clam up. Im volatile and emotional, you are as cool as a cucumber even in the most emotional of times. However, I believe these differences should not be the cause of your disagreement. Rather, we should draw strength from these differences. We should use these differences in order to make our love stronger.

I think we have learned our lessons... the hard way. Id like to believe that after all is said and done... love will see us through.

I only want to make you happy. I only want to love you...

Thank you for loving me, for accepting me. As I am.

- Nina

You Asked.

2006-05-22T11:27:00.000-05:00

Right Here

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
And you're so independent you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes
I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

This just about says it all.

My Goddamned Fault

2006-05-14T10:26:00.000-05:00

Because of YOU

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myselfCause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

I feel as if I have made a big mess. Again.
I dont know what to do.
Im lost.
Will you ever find me?

Phenomenal Woman

2006-04-30T18:32:00.000-05:00

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
Im not cute or built to suite a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think im telling lies
I say
Its in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my step
The curl of my lips
Im a woman.
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
Thats me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
Its the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing in my waist
And the joy in my feet
Im a woman.
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
Thats me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they cant touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still cant see.
I say,
Its in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style
Im a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
Thats me.

Now you understand
Just why my heads not bowed
I dont shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud
I say
Its in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need of my care
Cause im a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
Thats me.

Oftentimes, my sister has asked me why I have such a swagger to my walk. So many times she has asked me why I have so much faith in me. I always tell her... if I dont have faith in me, who will?

But it goes beyond more than having faith in oneself, I think. Being a woman is knowing the strength that one has been gifted with. Being a woman is knowing that women do not bow down to anyone just because. Being a woman is having pride in ones softness, and knowing that such softness carries strength.

I am proud to be a woman. I am proud to be a phenomenal woman.

In fact, I actually believe that all women are phenomenal.

Last Song Syndrome ... in a Major Way

2006-04-23T20:00:00.000-05:00

Are YOU Strong Enough

God I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
Id be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man

Nothings true and nothings right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you cant change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise ill believe
Lie to me
But please dont leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When ive shown you that I just dont care
When im throwing punches in the air
When im broken down and I cant stand
Will you be MAN ENOUGH to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise ill believe
Lie to me
But please dont leave

Sigh. Tough weekend. This song seemed apt.
But I made my choice right?
With eyes wide open.
So. Just please, be strong enough to be my man?
Ill be strong enough to be yours.

Should Haves

2006-04-20T16:55:00.000-05:00

I shouldnt have felt that way,

Yet I did.

I should never have said a thing,

Yet I did.

I should just have accepted,

Yet I questioned.

I should just have suffered in silence,

And I will.

Happy Graduation Day, Anthony James!

2006-04-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

The eldest of my three munsters graduates from Grade 7 today. Valedictorian.

Im so proud of him. Proud of the fact that the baby whom I used to steal from his parents so he could sleep beside me at night is now a young man. Proud of the fact that he has proven himself worthy of the rewards he has reaped this year. Proud of the fact that he has maintained his humility inspite of his achievement.

Congratulations, AJ! This is your Graduation Speech. I could only wish I was there to listen to you today.

Our dear Rector, Fr. Edmundo Tiamson, OFM Cap., our Campus Minister, Fr. Peter Eugenio, OFM Cap., our Principal, Mrs. Ana Maria Barbieto, the rest of the Grade School Administrators, the Faculty, the Non-Teaching Personnel, our dear parents, my fellow graduates, and friends, a pleasant morning to you all! It gives me great honor to speak before you today, on this most special of all days – the day where we all rejoice in the fruits of our hard work for the past year. Our graduation day!

As we gather here today to celebrate, so should we also pause to reflect? As we take another step closer to becoming responsible adults and taking part in building our nation, it is also fitting that we understand the one thing that will drive our lives moving forward. That one thing is Change!

Change begins with choice – the conscious choice to move away from the familiar, the tried and the tested. The choice to open our minds and hearts to what the world has to offer. I embraced such change when I decided to live the Lourdesian way of life based on our school’s vision-mission. More than knowledge taken from books, this choice called for genuine formation. Formation means total and complete growth – in mind, body and spirit. That, for me is the biggest change I have made in my life so far!

It was not easy. It is never easy to move away from things that we have gotten used to in the past. It is never easy to break a routine; it is harder still, to establish new ones. However, according to Heraclitus, there is nothing permanent except change. As we live each day in this world, we can only be assured of one and only one thing. That our world will change. We only have two choices – to resist change and stop growing; or to embrace change and continue growing and becoming the persons God intended us to be. As the great leader Gandhi has put it: “We must be the change we wish to see in this world.”

All this takes hard work, persistence and determination. But we all know that already. All of us have been through the same tough academic year. All of us have to study for our examinations, prepare diligently for seatworks, assignments and projects and grapple with learning the seemingly endless array of knowledge that is presented to us each day by our dear teachers… by the whole Lourdes School community in fact.

For me, what spells the difference is in the fact that we all need to learn to love what we are doing. We all need to find joy in learning. We all need to go beyond looking at school as “something we have to do”. Rather, we have to see learning as the one thing that will set us on the right course towards becoming responsible and productive persons we ought to be. According to a Chinese proverb “Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere”. Today, as we leave our days in Elementary school behind, as we stand at the portal that welcomes us to the world of the high school student, let us keep that in mind. Let us be mindful of the lessons we have learned through the years; let us continue adding to these lessons as we go through life. Let us learn to see life as a never-ending learning process.

We have the rest of our lives ahead of us. The lines of a popular song entitled Unwritten go this way: “Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.”

As we begin to write the rest of our life’s story, let us be guided by the Gospel values that have guided our lives thus far. Let us build on these values – for they are more than just fancy words and pretty phrases. Our Christian values are what we live our lives by in our pursuit of “Becoming Christ!”

Fellow graduates, if ever we stumble and fall in our journey, let us always abide by this admonition of our father St. Francis of Assisi: “Brothers, let us begin again, for until now we have done very little or nothing at all!”

For all of you who have molded us into the right kind of persons we ought to be, especially our dear parents and teachers, thank you very much! For this, we are greatly indebted to you! Again, a pleasant morning to all and may the good Lord bless us!

Be Without You ... and Speeding on the Freeway

2006-04-02T11:53:00.000-05:00

Yes. I admit it. I am an inveterate speedster. I thrive on driving fast. I love the thrill of speed. I am entrahlled with the idea that I am controlling this mass of metal and gears, making it do what I want it to do... But more than the feeling of control, its really the speed that turns me on. I like the feeling of freedom that speed gives me. There is nothing headier than the woossshhh of the wind through a partially opened car window as I drive at 90mph (in a 65mph speed zone). Bliss.

Today I did just that. Really early in the morning (blame the time change for that - I was up at the ungodly hour of 530 am with nothing to do)... so I headed out and just drove. Not much traffic on the streets on a Sunday morning. Just me and the road. Just me and the car.

Dont get me wrong. I drive a sedan. I dont drive a sportscar with a lot of horses under its hood. I just like driving whatever it is im driving fast. Fast fast fast!

Then this song played - Mary J. Blige's Be Without You. Damn and double damn. Angsty stuff ... speed inducing. And speed I did, singing along with Mary J. Blige. Just letting it all out. Crying a little. Hell, crying a lot. Purging, letting go, cutting loose.

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didnt deal nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People start off as a phase
Said we cant see that
Now from top to bottom
They see we did that (yes)
Its so true that (yes)
Weve been through that (yes)
We got real shit (yes)
See baby we been

Too strong for too long (and I cant live without you baby)
And Ill be waiting up till you get home (cause i cant live without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just cant be without your baby.

Chemistry. For sure we had that. We had the best couple of weeks I have ever had. It was, yeah, too good to be true. We were getting along, not only mentally but we seemed to jive physically as well. But things were happening too fast. Too much too soon.... and when that happens, there is no way to go but down... way down.

Yet, inspite of all the nasty words spoken, inspite of the yelling and the screaming, I still cant live without you. I still yearn for you and want you... I still imagine that day when we both start picking up the pieces of our love and ... putting them back together again. Dumb huh. But yeah, bop me on the head if you must. I still cant live without you baby.

I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do something behind my back and try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
Ill be faithful (yes)
Im for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
Weve been...

Too strong for too long (and I cant live without you baby)
And Ill be waiting up till you get home (cause i cant live without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just cant be without your baby.

We did start out with the best intentions. We were talking. Communicating. Making not only our feelings known but sharing our thoughts as well. Then it stopped. The lines got jammed along the way. I felt you left me high and dry. Yes I still feel that. I understand your priorities. I understand that you do have a life and a career outside of what we have... but isnt it that im part of your life too.... Isnt it that I deserved to be told what was going on? Dont you think we could have saved ourselves all this unecessary misery if only you had just said something?

But yeah. Too late for that now. So much has happened in the past weeks. Most of them not good. I still feel I tried... I still feel you didnt try back. But what can I do? Whats done is done. At this time, I can only just move on. Im still praying that when I look to my side, I would find you there, moving right along with me. Towards the same direction.

See this is real talk
Ill always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick or thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if your down on love or dont believe
This aint for you (no, this aint for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that its true (come on, come on, come on)
Well let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady shes the one (fellas tell your lady shes the one oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know that hes got you locked
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
Weve been...

Too strong for too long (and I cant live without you baby)
And Ill be waiting up till you get home (cause i cant live without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just cant be without your baby.

Yes. Im still hanging on. Im still hoping. Im still waiting. I dont know why when all indicators show that there is nothing to wait for, nothing to hope for, nothing to hang on to.

I guess the ball is in your court now. I just want to see if you will toss it right back at me. If I dont get hit by that ball in a few days, then I will know its time to throw in the towel and start mending the pieces of my broken heart. But for now, I believe ill wait.

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you...

Yes. I still do.

Crashfall

2006-04-02T03:56:00.000-05:00

My burst of bravado has now hit home.

I ache.

Intensely.

But ill move on.

Ive taken this choice.

Ill live with it.

No regrets.

The realization that my absence

Has not bothered you one bit

Stings.

A whole damn lot.

Realization for the Day

2006-03-30T16:40:00.000-06:00

Today I realized you just dont care.

What's sad is I should have realized this earlier... it would have saved me all this unnecessary heartache.

Lost

2006-03-24T13:01:00.000-06:00

To the one who holds the key ...

I know we have had a rough couple of weeks. I know things have not been easy for you. Somehow, I know that in your own way you have to be there for me. I know too, in my heart of hearts that I have tried to understand.

But...Where are you now when I need someone the most. Why does it feel as if you have turned your back from me. I know when I tell you all this, you will say im overreacting.

Maybe I am. Maybe I am far more into this than you are. Or, maybe we just have different ways of expressing feelings. Either way, one truth remains.

Im sad. I feel alone. I need you to show me that things will be okay. But youre not here. In fact youre nowhere to be found.

I dont know what to think or say at this point.I guess the only thing thats left to do is - Forge on. Alone. Ive done it before, there is no reason why I cant do it again.

The sad part is, I fell so fast. Fell so hard. Gave it all up to you. And now, im left.

Empty. Void. Barren.

Adrift,
-Nina

Profundity

2006-03-18T08:13:00.000-06:00

Slumming.

Main Entry: 2slum

Function: intransitive verb

Inflected Form(s): slummed; slum·ming: to visit slums especially out of curiosity;broadly : to go somewhere or do something that might be considered beneath one's station.

Interesting word. When we hear the word slum we almost automatically think about areas where squatters or the less fortunate of this world live. For the most part, we are correct in doing so. However, there is another side to the word slum that is as sad as a slum area.

In terms of context, slumming is that phenomenon when the better people of this world deliberately seek out the seedier side of life, just to find out how the other half lives. As Mr. Webster's definition above states, it's doing something or going somewhere that might be beneath one's station.

Beneath one's station. But exactly what is one's station? Is it determined by one's educational attainment? Or is it determined by IQ or net income? Moving that thought forward, does it also mean that when one is better educated than others, when one has more money than others, he or she is necessarily a better person? I dont think so. I have always believed that money, position and education is probably the worst determinant of a person's worth.

Take in point the internet. A lot of people venture into the internet with a sense of curiosity, even perhaps wonder at the vast array of information available when one peruses the World Wide Web. Most take on an attitude of learning and discovery. However, a certain percentage of these so called "netizens" get into online communities because they feel that they are actually better than everyone else in those said communities. They see bulletin boards, forums, chatrooms and all these as extensions of their podium... their stage so to speak... where they can lord it over the "lesser mortals" and spew forth their intellectual discourses and generally just show off how much better they are than everyone else in the so called community.

Im not saying that they might not be better than some of the people in cyberworld but... is that the whole point of the internet? To allow people to showcase their talents and lord it over the less talented? Does assuming an online identity give one license to insult, flame and generally just make a big pest of themselves? I hardly think so. I see the internet as an extension of real life - and much as we are governed by standards of good manners and proper conduct in real life, so should we be governed by the said same standards in virtual life. I dont mean however that we should all be plastic replicas of ourselves because that is probably as worse as slumming. It just means treating everyone as you would want to be treated. Plain and simple, right?

No. Not always, at least.

This is not easy for some because they start out with the idea in their heads that they are the better ones on board. This colors, nay taints the way they treat others. It then becomes a vicious cycle of flame and be flamed, of post and your post shall be answered. Worse, it can even border on the paranoia where one assumes that each and every online message, post or article is meant for himself. Doesnt that defeat the very purpose of the internet - that of information sharing and bridging the gaps that separate people? It then turns out that instead of bridging a gap, the gap is widened and made more apparent.

The Internet is a tool. A very strong tool. However, what it does and where it goes is driven by the people who use it. People can make it into an instrument of learning and sharing. Or they can make it an instrument of shaming and flaming. It can be a venue for meeting people, making alliances and even finding friends. It can also be a person's own personal stage - where he alone is king, where his word is law.

In the end, its a choice that the netizens of this world should make.

Sadly, not everyone, not even the most educated, most intelligent of us make the right choices.

Trouble Sleeping.....

2006-03-15T23:14:00.000-06:00

It's late and im feeling so tired

having trouble sleeping.

This constant call for mine

between thinking and dreaming

because im never give in

i'm falling in love

tell me i dont see myself good enough

in something else

don't say im falling love

some kind of terribly

is all i need

please believe me

some instant remedy

i cant cure it completely

could it be that i m suffering

because ill never give in

wont say that i never

in love

tell me i dont see my self good enough

dont say i m falling in love

theres no way im falling

cause i will never fall

and its never enough so nobody say it

dont let i say it i ve got my eyes shut

oohh not enough because ill never give in

im falling love

tell me i dont see myself good enough

for something else

dont say im falling in love

falling in love

ooh yeah falling love

ooh ooh oohh

dont say that im falling in love,

don't say that ooooh

dont say that im falling in love

yeahh dont say that im falling in love

dont say but in the answer

cause i ll never give in oooh

falling in love yeaahhh oooh

Simpleng Tao Lang Ako

2006-02-16T15:41:00.000-06:00

Muni muni ng isang maliit na tao.

Bakit nga ba ganoon ang mga taong matatalino ano? Kapag napagsabihan mo, kahit na halatang halata at talagang talaga namang wala sila sa lugar eh… nagagalit agad.

Bakit din kaya ganoon ano. Ang una nilang argumento kung bakit napagsabihan sila na mali ang kanilang ginagawa ay … di kasi naiintindihan ng iba ang lilkaw ng utak ng mga matatalinong tao.

Ganoon nga ba talaga kalalim ang mga nasasaisip ng mga matatalino? Ganoon nga ba sila kagaling na ang mga ordinaryong nilalang gaya ko ay walang kapaga-pagasang maintindihan ang mga adhikain at ninanais nila?

Siguro nga ganoon.

Basta ako ang alam ko… simple lang naman ang panuntunan sa buhay na ito… mga simpleng bagay na kailangang sundin para lang magkaroon ng konting sistema at ayos ang buhay. Isa na doon ay … ilagay sa tama ang lahat ng bagay. Kung may nais sabihin, sabihin sa tamang pamamaraan, sa tamang lugar, sa tamang huwisyo. Huwag ng ipilit ang mga bagay na talaga namang hindi ukol. Diba madali naman intindihin yun? Ako, di ako matalino. Maliit lang ang sakop ng utak ko… pero naiintindihan ko iyon.

Eto pa ang isa kong napag isip isip. Ngayon ngayon lang – madalang lang naman kasi gumana ang utak ko eh. Hindi mo kailangang maging sukdulan ng talino para magpakatao. Kailangan mo lang ng mabuting puso at tamang pagiisip. Kailangan mo din lang gumalang sa mga simpleng patakaran ng buhay.

Siguro kahit kailan di ko maiintindihan ang mga matalino sa mundong ito. Masyado silang nasa nakatataas na lugar para sa akin. Pero okey lang yun. Ayos na sa akin ang marunong ako magpakatao. Ayos na sa akin ang nakakaintindi ako ng kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng mga simpleng pamantayan ng buhay. Ayos na sa akin na hindi ko inilaladlad para makita ng lahat ng tao ang mga maruruming damit sa aking ropero. Ayos na rin sa akin na hindi ako nag kukubli sa aking katalinuhan sa tuwing ako ay mapapagsabihan.

Ayaw ko din namang maluklok sa kataas taasang tore ng katalinuhan… baka ako mahilo at malango sa katalinuhan ko eh hindi ko na malaman kung isinasabuhay ko ng tama ang aking buhay. Sabi nga nila ang sobrang talino daw nakakabaliw. Tama na sa akin ang naka tapak ang dalawa kong paa sa lupa. Magkasunod ang mga yabag nila, may patutunguhang direksyon. May sariling buhay.

Muni muni lang ito. Ang tamaan… magkakabukol.

TrueBlue Bull

2006-02-07T11:15:00.000-06:00

You are 80% Taurus

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

The Unspoken

2006-02-01T14:54:00.000-06:00

Never underestimate the power of that which is unspoken.

That is one home truth that has hit me rather hard in the past days. I don’t blame anyone except myself for this sad and sorry state of affairs. I had the power to move away. I had the power to turn my back. I had the power to say no. Yet I didn’t. Blindly, I forged on, fuelled by bravado, powered by feelings.

All this backfired on me. In a big way.

Not in what was done, but in what was not done. Not in what was said, but in what was not said. In the end, I was left holding on to the proverbial empty sack. Empty. Devoid, Null. Nothing.

Sometimes I wonder why this happened to me. Why now, when I need my wits about me. Why now, when it takes so little to unhinge me.

And then I remember – what was once had made me happy too… even for a while. What was once had made me sparkle and shine… even for a moment.

That in itself is good. If for anything, I am thankful that this happened.

Its just that I am human too. Prone to the frailties of human nature. I get hurt…I ache.

Sometimes, it seems to me as if you overlook that tiny but definitely not trivial bit.

Sometimes, it seems to me I am no more but a complication that you don’t need.

Sometimes, it seems to me as if I should just ……

Smartypants!

2006-01-27T11:43:00.000-06:00

Unwritten

2006-01-26T14:23:00.000-06:00

I am unwritten, cant read my mind, im undefined
Im just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten.

I break tradition, sometimes my tries are outside the lines
Weve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I cant live that way.

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find.

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench your words with left unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins,
The rest is still unwritten.

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words you could not find.

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins.

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your bok begins
The rest is still unwritten.
The rest is still unwritten.
The rest is still unwritten...

Been hearing this song on my drive to and from work and it never fails to make me feel that life is good.

I can almost feel the rain on my skin.

I have the rest of my book of life to write.

I cant wait!

Ambaduy ni Nina

2006-01-22T03:39:00.000-06:00

Ambaduy ko.

Nanonood ako ng TFC tapos nadinig ko tong song na to kinanta ng MYMP.

Actually themesong ata to ni Juday at ng bf nyang cutie.

Pero na alala kita.

Nakakainis. Ambaduy ko. Pero na alala kita.

Sasabihin mo na naman you dont deserve this. E bakit ba? As far as im concerned, you do. Wala ka nang magagawa non.

So ikaw, oo ikaw... Para sa iyo to.

Ambaduy ko talaga. Pramis.

No Ordinary Love

This could have been just another day

But instead we're standing here

No need for words, it's all been said

In the way you hold me near

I was alone on this journey

You came along to comfort me

Everything I want in life is right here

'Cause this is not your ordinary

No ordinary love

I was not prepared enough

To fall so deep in love

This is not your ordinary

No ordinary love

You were the first to touch my heart

Made everything right again

With your extraordinary love

I get so weak

When you look at me

I get lost inside your eyes

Sometimes the magic is hard to believe

But you're here before my weary eyes

You brought joy to my world

Set me so free

I want you to understand

You are every breath that I breathe

This is not your ordinary

No ordinary love

I was not prepared enough

To fall so deep in love

This is not your ordinary

No ordinary love

You were the first to touch my heart

Made everything right again

With your extraordinary love

From the very first time that we kissed

I knew that I just couldn't let you go at all

From this day on, remember this:

That you're the only one that I adore

Can't we make this last forever

This can't be a dream

'Cause it feels so good to me

This is not your ordinary

No ordinary love

I was not prepared enough

To fall so deep in love

This is not your ordinary

No ordinary love

You were the first to touch my heart

Made everything right again

With your extraordinary love

Pooh Speaks

2006-01-20T14:26:00.000-06:00

How can you get very far
If you don't know who you are
How can you do what you ought
If you don't know what you've got
And if you don't know which to do
Of all the things in front of you
Then what you'll have
When you are through
Is just a mess without a clue
Of all the best that can come true
If you know What, and Which, and Who.

-from the Tao of Pooh

Disjointed Thoughts...

2006-01-13T14:35:00.000-06:00

I think its you but im not sure.

I hope its you but I dare not hope.

Perhaps it IS you... then again maybe its not.

I dont want to think anymore.

For however long.

In whatever way.

As long as its you.

Im happy.

Why does it feel as if you see me as nothing more than an amusement.

That was not so before. Are you telling me that much has shifted since?

So much left unsaid.

Im a bit hesitant to trust what my heart tells me.

I dont know what to think.

I know what I feel... Thats for sure.

I just want to know WHAT.

Do you get what I mean?

Crashfall.

2006-01-04T14:43:00.000-06:00

Askew.

Adrift.

Confused.

Wondering.

All that because I read that much beloved name.

All that because of you.

A Lilac Envelope

2005-12-27T12:17:00.000-06:00

Its strange how a single lilac envelope can have so much power that it has unhinged me.

Over the past weeks, since that day when I got that fateful message, I have slowly but surely gotten to a point of balance. It was a fragile balance, admittedly, but it let me live my days in relative sanity. It let me smile again, it let me laugh sometimes. It helped me get through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It helped me live.

I had no plans of checking the mailbox outside the house last night – it was late, it was cold, I needed to get to bed….but there was almost this push, this urge to go out, inspite the lateness of the hour, to get the mail. When I opened the mailbox, there was this lone lilac envelope waiting for me there. My heart skipped a bit and a floodgate of memories opened.

I read, I wept, I remembered.

I got unhinged.

You are the only one who can put me back together again.

2 Days Til Christmas

2005-12-22T12:17:00.000-06:00

2 days to Christmas

Sweetest one...

Yes, I still dare call you that because that has remained unchanged. You still are the sweetest thing that has happened to me.

Its almost Christmas. I hope things are well. I hope that things are working out the way you had intended them to. Honestly, you know what I am hoping for. You know the deepest wish I hide in the darkest place I know of. I shall not speak of that... I will only wish good things for you. All joy, all happiness, all fulfillment.

They say love is the sincere desire for the good of the one beloved. If that is so, then I must really love you... because inspite of what my heart wants, inspite of all my brattiest instincts, I gave way. I gave you what you wanted. At the expense of my happiness.
I have never been this selfless before, perhaps because I have never truly loved this way before.

You are, you will remain to be my sweetest one.

For now, for always.

I miss you.

May your Christmas be filled with love and joy.

May your New Year be blessed and plentiful.

-Nina

Who I Am

2005-12-21T12:17:00.000-06:00

...Hates Who Ive Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise

coming up over the Pacific and

you might think I'm losing my mind,

but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am

'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there.

That's exactly where I lost it.

See that line.

Well I never should have crossed it.

Stop right there.

Well I never should have said that

it's the very moment that

I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I'm ready to try and never become that way again

'cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.

Couldn't keep to myself enough.

And the things bottled inside

have finally begun to create

so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps

sinking up to the beating of my heart,

and I was positive that unless I got myself together,

I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again

‘cause then you’ll see my heart

in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Who I am hates who I've been

and who I am won’t take

the second chance you gave me.

Who I am hates who I’ve been

‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.

So sorry that it took so long for me to change.

I’m ready to try and never become that way again

‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.

Who I am hates who I’ve been.

Another Day. Please.

2005-12-14T15:41:00.000-06:00

Another Day
from the Musical Rent

Who Do You Think You Are?
Barging In On Me And My Guitar
Little Girl - Hey
The Door Is That Way
You Better Go
You Know
The Fire's Out Anyway
Take Your Powder - Take Your Candle
Your Sweet Whisper
I Just Can't Handle

Well Take Your Hair In The Moonlight
Your Brown Eyes - Goodbye, Goodnight

I Should Tell You I Should Tell You
I Should Tell You I Should -- No!

Another Time - Another Place
Out Temperature Would Climb
There'd Be A Long Embrace
We'd Do Another Dance
It'd Be Another Play
Looking For Romance
Come Back Another Day
Another Day

The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease If I Can Learn

There Is No Future
There Is No Past
I Live This Moment
As My Last

There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret
Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road
No Other Way
No Day But Today

Excuse Me If I'm Off Track
But If You're So Wise Then Tell Me -
Why Do You Need Smack?

Take Your Needle
Take Your Fancy Prayer
And Don't Forget
Get The Moonlight Out Of Your Hair

Long Ago - You Might've Lit Up My Heart
But The Fire's Dead - Ain't Never Ever
Gonna Start

Another Time - Another Place
The Words Would Only Rhyme
We'd Be In Outer Space
It'd be Another Song
We'd Sing Another Way
You Wanna Prove Me Wrong?
Come Back Another Day
Another Day

There's Only Yes
Only Tonight
We Must Let Go
To Know What's Right
No Other Course
No Other Way
No Day But Today

I Can't Control
My Destiny
I Trust My Soul

My Only Goal Is Just - To Be

There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear

No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today
No Day But Today

Powder

No Day But Today
No Day But Today
No Day But Today
No Day But Today

Control Your Temper
She Doesn't See
Who Say's That
There's A Soul
Just Let Me Be

Who Do You Think You Are?
Barging In On Me
And My Guitar
Little Girl,
Hey The Door
Is That Way
The Fire's Out Anyway

Take Your
Take Your Candle
Take Your Brown Eyes
Your Pretty Smile
Your Silhouette

Another Time,
Another Place
Another Rhyme,
A Warm Embrace

Another Dance,
Another Way
Another Chance,
Another Day

Another day, please. That is all I want.

I'll Cover You

2005-12-12T12:45:00.000-06:00

I watched Rent and ... needless to say, cried buckets. This is for you. This is exactly how I feel.. this is exactly what I want to do. For you. To you. With you.

I'll Cover You
from the musical Rent

Live in my house
Ill be your shelter
Just pay me back
With one thousand kisses
Be my lover - ill cover you

Open your door
Ill be your tenant
Dont got much baggage
To lay at your feet
But sweet kisses ive got to spare
Ill be there - ill cover you

I think they meant it
When they said you cant buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease, you are, my love
On life, be my life

Just slip me on
Ill be your tenant
Wherever, Whatever, Ill be your coat

Youll be my king
Ill be your castle

No youll be my queen
Ill be your moat

I think they meant it
When they said you cant buy love
Now I know you can rent it
A new lease, you are, my love
On life, all my life

Ive longed to discover
Something as true as this

So with a thousand sweet kisses
If you're cold i'll cover you
And you're lonely
With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you
You've got one nickel only
With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you
When you're wornout and tired
With a thousand sweet kisses
I'll cover you
When your heart has expired

Oh lover I'll cover you
Oh lover I'll cover you

Yeah. Still for you. Sweetest.

This is for YOU.

2005-11-29T11:40:00.000-06:00

I don't want to go another day

So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind

Seems like everybody is breaking up

Throwing their love away

I know I got a good thing right here

That's why I say

(Hey) Nobody going to love me better

I'ma stickwitu Forever

Nobody gonna to take me higher

I'ma stickwitu

You know how to appreciate me

I'ma stickwitu

My baby

Nobody ever made me feel this way

I'm a stickwitu

I don't want to go another day

So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind

See the way we ride

In our private lives

Ain't nobody getting in between

I want you to know that you're the only one for me

(One for me) (what im sayin is)

Nobody going to love me better

I'm must stick wit u

Forever

Nobody going to take me higher

I'ma stick wit u

You know how to appreciate me

I'ma stickwitu

My baby

Nobody ever made me feel this way

I'ma stickwitu

And now

Ain't nothing else I can need

And now

I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me

I got you

We'll be making love endlessly

I'm with you

Baby, you're with me (baby your with me, oh yah)

So don't you worry about

People hanging around

They ain't bringing us down

I know you and you know me

And that's all that counts

So don't you worry about

People hanging around

They ain't bringing us down

I know you and you know me

And that's, that's why I say

(Hey) Nobody going to love me better

I'ma stickwitu Forever

Nobody going to take me higher

I'ma stickwitu

You know how to appreciate me

I'ma stickwitu My baby

Nobody ever made me feel this way

I'ma stickwitu

Nobody going to love me better

I'm must stickwitu Forever

Nobody going to take me higher

I'ma stickwitu

You know how to appreciate me

I'ma stickwitu My baby

Nobody ever made me feel this way

I'ma stickwitu

Shitty Mood

2005-11-15T16:31:00.002-06:00

Pardon the french, but i've been in such a shitty mood since last Tuesday night.

I won't go into the details, suffice it to say I have never encountered such insensitive behaviour. From a family member at that.

Just a little bit more and i'll reach the end of my rope.

Just a little bit more.

Food, Glorious Food ! ! !

2005-11-15T16:31:00.001-06:00

Lately, I have been in a baking and cooking mood.

It started with an experiment in making Guinataang Langka after eating a disappointingly bland version of it in a local Filipino restaurant. Granted, I had to make use of mostly canned ingredients since langka, much less unripe langka is much too expensive and difficult to find here. I also made use of canned coconut milk – not a bad deal really as its almost the same as hand pressed coconut milk (you can even liken the can opening action to hand pressing but that’s really, really forcing the issue).

I started with sautéing onions, garlic and diced pork until the pork was almost crunchy. I added some bagoong (the spicy kind) and let that simmer and cook well (since I think bottled bagoong is still a bit raw). I add a bit of vinegar to take away the fishy smell and taste and then when that’s well simmered, I add the diced langka pieces and the coconut milk. A few stirs and I partially cover the pan and let the coconut milk cook totally (and by totally I mean when the oil starts coming to the surface of the pan). I skim off some of the oil and then let the mixture cook for a few minutes more. So far, I have made this dish several times upon the request of various relatives and for family gatherings and it has been a hit all the time.

I have also made a modified version of pork tocino – I just took several pounds of pork loin and marinated it in pepper, patis, and pineapple juice and fried it up. I brought it over to a pot luck party and it was gone in a matter of minutes. Lately, relatives have been coming over to our house bringing porkloin and pineapple juice asking me to mix them up batches of this for their use at home…

The baking is going good too. It started out as a craving for really good chocolate cake. I took a Deep, Dark Chocolate Cake recipe from my cousin and instead of using Hershey’s Cocoa Powder, I bought several slabs of good quality dark baking chocolate and melted that over a double boiler… the resulting cake and icing was moist, sweet and so chocolate-y I didn’t want to give any of it away… But of course I did. Then for Hazel’s birthday, I baked a Chocolate Marble Cake using the same good quality dark baking chocolate and it was yummy. Last Sunday, it was chewy Chocolate Brownies with Cream Cheese frosting and …

Last night, it was Pineapple Upside Down Cake … The first try flopped like crazy because I forgot to put in a vital ingredient (which I won’t mention as it will cause me endless embarrassment). Because I got challenged by that flop, I actually drove out at 8pm at night to the nearest grocery store, bought ingredients for another batch and baked again. It came out a success, and my sister is bringing it to their Meditation night later. I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of it but my camera is still out on loan.

I don’t know why I can’t stop cooking and baking up a storm – perhaps it’s the impending holidays. Perhaps it’s the nesting instinct. Perhaps it’s my innate love of good food. It’s a good thing I can’t eat much of what I cook otherwise, I would be a blimp by now.

Here’s to more good eats!

Guilty!

2005-11-15T16:31:00.000-06:00

Yes... I admit, I have been a shamelessly neglectful blogger. Its just that ... Nahh no excuses. I've been plain caught up in other things. Thats why I have not written.

What exactly have I been up to? Honestly, nothing much. I work. I work out. I go home. I read.

Well ... I have been reading a lot lately. As in... the pile of books I have had hanging around our coffee table has been cut down to half its height. I'm actually worrying about running out of books to read now... instead of having that sense of dread and thinking I am way behind on my reading.

I haven't watched any movies lately - blame that on the fact that there really aren't any good ones showing the past weeks. I do look forward to catching Harry Potter this weekend. I hope I get to watch it...

What else. Hmmm... impending winter. Enough to give me the blahs. I so hate cold weather. I mean, winter dressing is fun and I like dressing in winter colors but ... the cold just gets to me. The feeling of gloom when I look out the window makes me dread going out my door. The scary feeling of the cold seeping into my bones is enough to make me drag out my thermals and shiver... Can't wait till spring!

In the next few weeks - Thanksgiving and Christmas. I do have a lot to be thankful for... And Christmas is always good, even if its another one spent out of the Philippines.

Life continues. The sun shines.

I'm blessed.

More Than Words

2005-10-24T23:36:00.000-05:00

Sweetest...

On my way home, I was listening to the radio and it played a cover of that old mushy tune More than Words. I found myself humming along to the song, and of course, as expected, I found myself thinking of you.

There really are no words to explain how settled you have made me feel. Nothing can describe just how much joy and peace you have given me, just by being you. No adjectives will ever be enough to describe how I feel each time we talk... no superlatives will be sufficient to give breadth and depth to how I feel for you.

I can just say thank you for being you. I can just give back what you give to me... and hope that in my own way, I am able to let you know exactly how I feel for you too. You are the other half of my soul, the keeper of my heart. You are my blessing and my gift.

You are my own.

No words. Just feelings.

I feel.

I Wish

2005-10-11T22:55:00.000-05:00

I wish I could hold your hand now when you need a hand to hold the most.
I wish I could give you the warmest of hugs now when you feel the chill of loss.
I wish I could shield you against hurt and pain now when you are crying out in pain.
I wish I could take the sorrow you feel into myself and go through your sadness for you.

I would give anything to be with you now
Even if I know that is probably an impossibility.
I want nothing more than to let you know
I would gladly bear all sorrows because I care.

It might sound like an empty platitude
For me to tell you things will be okay ...
But you know they will. Eventually.
I can only tell you... Ill be here.

No questions asked.
No expectations of anything.
Im here because
I love.

Same Time Last Year

2005-10-10T22:43:00.000-05:00

Around this time last year, I was neck deep into preparations for the wedding. I was also enmeshed in a tight web of intrigue, emotional upheaval, denial and lies. The wedding went off without a hitch. And now, almost a year after, I am proud to say that I have moved away from that mess.

Its amazing how one can easily become dependent on someone ... for emotional support and encouragement, for appreciation, for friendship, for someone to talk with. But what is even more amazing is how one can, after a bit of a struggle, get used to life without all that. Yeah, in a way, its like starting back at zero all over again... but what the heck. I like myself better now for the person I am... I dont need someone else to validate me. I dont go out of my way to please one person. I just am. I just live. No complications, no burdens, no entanglements.

Simple. Neat. Clean.

Thats how it should be. Thats how it is now. Thats how I will keep it.

`Nuff said.

2 Weeks of Inactivity

2005-09-24T20:42:00.000-05:00

I have not blogged in 2 weeks.... I have no excuse for those 2 weeks except the fact that I was all written out. I did not have a thing to say... my mind was a blank. Don't get me wrong, I was not depressed or anything. It was just that I had nothing of note to say. I was a bit tired out yeah, but not so tired out to be exhausted.

Today though is a bit different... We came off a rather close brush with Hurricane Rita. It was not as bad as we initially thought it would be - midday yesterday, the fickle Rita decided to go a bit to the east and that meant that instead of getting a hurricane, we had what would be the equivalent of a signal number 2 typhoon.

I watched the winds last night - it was beautiful in its power. There was hardly any rain, not until this afternoon. Then after the rains - sunshine.

Life is much like that - a cycle. Sunshine, rain, sunshine, rain... That gives me much comfort. It just tells me that amidst the rainy seasons of our lives, the sun always peeps out and shines. Into each life, rain does fall, but into each life, the sun always shines.

I am glad for whatever life dishes out to me - it just proves to me that I continue to live. I continue to grow. I continue to be.

Scars

2005-09-09T13:03:00.000-05:00

Who would have thought this song was by Papa Roach....

Scars
Papa Roach

Tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel.

I'm drunk and i'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cuz you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cuz you channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and i'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You should have never come around
Why don't you just go home
Cuz you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
The scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

It's a Girl Thing

2005-09-08T19:01:00.000-05:00

...no man can ever understand the allure of an afternoon spent walking around a mall and browsing. I was doing exactly that. Today. Decadent huh? When I should be off earning my keep... When I should be worrying about the thousand and one mundane things that make up daily life... When I should be doing the exact opposite of what I was doing...

I was not.

I was walking around aimlessly, trying on clothes, checking out shoes, skimming through books...

I was eating a cookie, debating about whether or not I should get an ice cream cone, sipping mango iced tea, oh-so-leisurely.

I did end up getting an aqua blue tank top... it was on clearance and it cost me less than what an ice cream cone would have cost me.

The walk around the mall did me good. While it may come across as total waste of time, it actually made me realize that I have to take things slow sometimes, that no matter how much I worry and fret, answers will not come, not till they are good and ready, and that, its perfectly okay to be lazy.

As long as I do not make a life out of being lazy.

Retail therapy rocks! :)

I Rediscovered

2005-09-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

White chocolate. Specifically, Hershey's White Chocolate bar with Almonds. Its creamy. Its sweet. It has just the right amount of nuts.

Its the perfect panacea for depression. Its also a perfect dessert. Its a good reward for being virtuous all day. Its good.

I am dreaming in White.

I am drooling over White Chocolate.

Sigh.

Blah-ness

2005-09-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

Today was a blah day. I was, like, totally sluggish. I have no idea why ... But what I do know is I have to shake this off. This is NOT good.

Hmmm... I guess its the inactivity of the past days. Yeah, ive been busy but not THAT busy. I feel like I am at a loose ends... I dont necessarily like this feeling.

Ironic. When we are busy, we yearn for idle moments. When we are idle, we yearn to be busy.

Honestly... I feel too blah to know what I want right now.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Weekends

2005-09-06T00:06:00.000-05:00

I just came off a good weekend... spent with good friends doing no pressure, no frills stuff. Of course, I had the worst experience of my life getting lost around the streets here .... an experience I have no wish to repeat. I actually thought I would never ever get back home, much to my mortification. I was driving for the better part of three hours, trying to figure out how to get back home, guest and all. When I finally made it home, all I could do was thank my guardian angel, my Tito and heave a sigh of relief.

I just had the best, most decadent chocolate cake I have ever tasted in my life... and I am smitten. Its a 12 layer chocolate cake... the cake itself is moist and rich and in between each very thin layer are different chocolate flavored fillings... ranging from the very dark to the very milky. Its frosted with some sort of chocolate ganache and it was a slice of heaven on earth. Totally worth every penny!

I also had the best apple wheat pancakes I have had since ... since I was born! The pancakes are the size of a plate, and its not that expensive. It was fluffy and moist but not soggy... the apples had a slight sugary, cinamonny taste to them and was the perfect balance to the wheat pancakes. We forgot to askt hem to add some walnuts to the batter - that would have made it perfect... But even without the walnuts, it was yum!

It was a long, lazy weekend. With good food and good company. The perfect way to spend a weekend, if you ask me!

Thanks sisQ, for sharing this weekend with me.

Sa Pagtatapos ng Linggo

2005-09-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

Matatapos na naman ang isang linggo
Isang linggo na naman ang nadagdag
Sa ating iniipong araw at oras.

Walang katapusang paglipas ng oras.
Walang katapusang pagmamahalan.
Walang katapusang ikaw.

Nakakatuwa

2005-09-01T11:36:00.000-05:00

Nakakatuwang isipin
Hindi inaasahang pangyayari
Pagbabanggaan ng isip
Pagkakakilala ng puso

Nakakaaliw hindi ba
Nagumpisa sa biruan
Nagumpisa sa iwasan
Ngayon, pagmamahalan

Nakapagtataka nga ba
Puso at isip ang nagtagpo
Nagkaintindihan
Nagkaisa

Walang katakataka
Sadyang itinalaga
Nakamtan ang matagal ng hanap
Pagmamahal...ngayon at magpakailanman

Awit ng Aking Puso

2005-08-31T09:48:00.000-05:00

Sa isang CD na ibinigay sa akin ng isang mabuting kaibigan, narinig ko ang awit na ito. Para sa akin, isa ito sa mga pinakamagandang awit ng pagibig na aking narinig. Simple lamang ang tono, simple din ang titik subalit pag iyong pinakinggan, madarama mo na ito ay mula sa puso.

Pag-Ibig
Brainwash

Sa lahat ng nagawa
Ikaw lang ang tama sa buhay ko, sa tulad ko
Di ko kinakaila
Marami nang nakilala
Kaliwat kanan, doon diyaan
Pero sayo naramdaman
At sayo natagpuan...

Ang lumuha ng nakatawa
Kapantay ay langit sinta
Di makapaniwala
Na tayo na.
At pinagpala ni Bathala
Na maging tayong dalawa
Ganito palang umibig
Ang sarap pala.

Di, di ko pagpapalit
Mga kuwentuhang nabanggit
Sikreto mo, sikreto ko
Tungkol sa magulong mundo
At tinuruan mo ako
Anong mali, anong hindi
At sa yo naramdaman
Sa yo natagpuan...

Ang lumuha ng nakatawa
Kapantay ay langit sinta
Di makapaniwala
Na tayo na.
At pinagpala ni Bathala
Na maging tayong dalawa
Ganito palang umibig
Ang sarap pala.

At kung ika'y mawawala
Hindi na ako magmamahal
Ng totoo, ng ganito
Dahil walang katulad mo
Ika'y nagiisang anyo sa puso ko
Panalangin ko
At sayo lang sumaya
Sayo lang nadama....

Ang lumuha ng nakatawa
Kapantay ay langit sinta
Di makapaniwala
Na tayo na.
At pinagpala ni Bathala
Na maging tayong dalawa
Ganito palang umibig
Ganito palang umibig
Ganito palang umibig
Ang sarap pala.

Pag Iintay

2005-08-30T16:03:00.000-05:00

Ano ang aking natutunan sa mga lumipas na araw?
Natutunan ko na hindi mo maaring ipilit ang nais mo.
Natutunan ko na kung ano ang nararapat siya ang mangyayari.
Natutunan ko na kailangang intayin ang tamang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay.

Ano ang aking natutunan sa mga lumipas na araw?
Natutunan ko na hindi masamang wala kang ginagawa...
Natutunan ko na ang pag iintay ay kasama sa kasagutan sa ating mga katanungan.
Natutunan ko na hanggang hindi uukol, hindi mangyayari.

Ano ang aking natutunan sa mga lumipas na araw?
Natutunan ko na ang lahat ng suliranin ay may lunas.
Natutunan ko na darating ang lunas na ito sa tamang oras.
Natutunan ko ang mag hintay.

Paano ...

2005-08-29T10:51:00.000-05:00

Paano ba nasusukat ang pagmamahal?

Nasa bawat mensahe ba ito na ipinapadala natin sa isat isa?

Nasa bawat kataga ng pagmamahal bang sinasabmit natin tuwing tayo ay naguusap?

Nasa higpit ba ng yakap at init ng mga halik na syang pasalubong natin sa isat isa?

Nasusukat nga ba ang pagmamahal?

O sadya bang walang katapusan ito?

Maari lang yatang sukatin ang tagal ng pagmamahalan

Kung hanggang kailan ito tatagal.

Kung may hihigit pa sa habang buhay,

Ganong katagal kita mamahalin.

Hindi makakalimutan...

Ngayon at sa darating pang mga araw.

Argh.

2005-08-19T13:57:00.000-05:00

Enough said.

Sigh.

Im Okay...

2005-08-18T20:43:00.000-05:00

I think. Im not exactly sure though...

Sigh.

One Has to...

2005-08-17T21:53:00.000-05:00

....do, what one has to do.

Sigh. Enough said... :(

Paths...

2005-08-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

...are there to guide us and see us through. But what if the path presented to you diverges, and converges only to diverge yet again?

I have set upon this course and so far, things have gone my way. However, the setbacks of the past weeks are proving to be more than I can handle.

I pray for strength and courage, that I may hurdle these trials. Soon.

I pray that the right path opens up for me.

I pray that I keep the faith.

I pray.

Manic Monday

2005-08-16T00:26:00.000-05:00

Sigh.
Im lost.
This is getting tough.
Im confused.
I dont know which path to take.
I only know I want to do good.
I just want to prove that I can make it.
Sigh.

Dreamsounds

2005-08-12T08:41:00.000-05:00

I was listening to my Dreamsounds CD on my way to work and I remembered this song... Its by Hoku and its called

You First Believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me
How many wishes on a star
Gazing off into the dark
Dreaming i'd see your face
Safe at home unafraide
Captured in your embrace

So many times when my heart was broken
Visions of you would keep me strong
You were with me all along
Guiding my every step
You're all that I am
And i'll never forget

It was you who first believed
In all that I was made to be
It was you looking in my eyes
You held my hand and showed me life
And i've never been the same
Since you first believed

There were times when I thought i'd lost you
Fearing forever was a dream
But it wasn't what it seemed
Placing your hand in mine
You could see in the dark
You were guiding my heart

It was you who first believed
In all that I was made to bea
It was you looking in my ehes
You held my hand and showed me life
And i've never been the same
Since you first believed

How many times did I pray you'd find me
How many wishes on a star...

...for now, for always.

Hachoo!

2005-08-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

I have a cold. I hate having a cold because I end up being the most miserable person alive when I have one... Sigh.

I feel so bummed out... I didnt even want to get up and go to work earlier but .. one does what one has to do.

I want to just lie in bed with my red blankie and my book... And probly never to get up til I have to go back to work again on Monday.

Its a good thing the kiddies arent around, otherwise, id be passing this freakin cold on to them.

Sigh.

Last Song Syndrome... Big Time

2005-08-10T08:15:00.000-05:00

A Little Bit

I was kinda hesitant to tell you

Should I let you know

I was never really like this before

Need I say more

Or maybe

I'm confused when you are near me

I don't know what to do or I should be

There's only one thing in my mind

That's you and me

I'm a little bit of crazy

I'm a little bit of a fool

I'm a little bit of lonely

I'm a little bit of all

Oh, I need a cure

Just a little bit of you

And I will fall

I'm always on the run to see you

Would you allow me to

It wasn't my intention to hurt you

This feeling is true

Or maybe I'm confused when you are near me

I don't know what to do or I should be

There's only one thing in my mind

That's you and me

I'm a little bit of crazy

I'm a little bit of a fool

I'm a little bit of lonely

I'm a little bit of all

Oh, I need a cure

Just a little bit of you

And I will fall

...and of course, you know this song is for YOU. no one else. always. forever.

Of Holidays

2005-08-09T15:41:00.000-05:00

I hate holidays too!
Just like Fridays.
They take you away from me...

I seem to be whining a lot...
But you know I whine
Just because I miss you so.

Come home to me sweetest.

Thirty One Days

2005-08-08T13:32:00.000-05:00

Thirty one days.

Days filled with laughter and joy.
Days of discovery and shared realizations.
Days of wonder and awe.
Days of passion and love.

Thirty one days.

Here's to more!

Thank you...

Byernes na Naman

2005-08-05T09:27:00.000-05:00

Hindi ko akalaing
Maiinis ako sa pagdating ng Byernes.
Dati, ito ang araw na hinihila ko ang pagdating.
Pwede na gumimik.
Mahabang lunchbreak.
Shopping pagkatapos ng trabaho.
Pwedeng gabihin, walang pasok kinabukasan.

Ngayon, ang bigat ng puso ko pag Byernes na.
Wala ka na naman kasi.
Iintayin ko na naman matapos ang tatlong araw
Bago kita makasama muli.
Diba nakakainis?
Diba nakakapikon?
Ayaw ko na talaga ng Byernes.

Ang tagal ng Lunes.
Araw ng pagbabalik.
Makakasama muli kita, makakausap.
Dati, ayaw ko ng Lunes
May pasok na ulet.
Ngayon, Lunes
Ang pinakamagandang araw ng aking linggo.

Dahil nariyan ka na muli.
Babalik ang kulay sa buhay.
Babalik ang tuwa sa puso.
Madarama ko na naman
Higpit ng yakap mo
Maririnig ko muli
Boses mong nagsasabi sa aking...
Ako lamang.

Sana wala nang Byernes.
Sana parati na lang Lunes.

Sana kasama na kita.

Ikaw

2005-08-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

Ikaw lamang ang makakapagpangiti sa akin kapag may sumpong ako.
Ikaw din lamang ang makakapagpawala ng mga problema ko sa buhay na ito.
Hindi mo siguro alam gaano mo ako natutulungan...
Sa maliliit na bagay na ginagawa mo para sa akin.
Siguro sa iyo, wala lang ang mga iyan... parte na ng buhay maari mong sabihin.
Pero sa akin, walang kasing halaga ang mga iyon.
Naipapadama mo sa akin na hindi ako magisa sa mundong ito.
Salamat sa lahat. Wala na akong masasabi pang iba.
Huwag ka sana magsawa.
Walang iwanan.

Bound by Blood

2005-08-03T21:16:00.000-05:00

Today I donated plasma for my sister. She had been plagued by chronic dry eyes since her bout with Steven Johnson Syndrome last year. After having gone to so many opthalmologists, her most recent doctor recommended Plasma Tears therapy for her.

Basically, what it entails is the extraction of human plasma from a close blood relative. This plasma is processed and sealed up in single-use plastic tubes. This plasma will be used as eye drops four times a day.

We got ourselves tested last Monday - of course Ate's veins did not cooperate. They got 7 tubes of blood from me and then we found out Tuesday that we were a match. We were asked to come back today for the extraction. We got there at 11ish and after the usual paperwork and taking of vital signs, I was hooked up to the extraction machine (I forget what its called)... I got a little nervous when I saw how thick the needle was going to be. But Ken, my friendly Lab Technician did a pretty great job of finding a vein in my right forearm and inserting the needle in. The machine got going almost immediately but because I also have fine veins (a genetic thing, they say)... he had to stop the process and put in another needle (thinner this time) in my left arm. Double ouch, but the process went by pretty smoothly after that.

They extracted the equivalent of 3 bags of blood from me, and this will yield 1 bag of plasma that in turn will allow them to make 300 of the single use eyedrops for my sister. We figure I have to go and do this blood extraction thing at least every 2 months. But its all good. Im glad to be able to help.

Downside - I got really cold (as in chilly cold) after the extraction when they pumped cold water into my veins to jumpstart the replenishment of my body fluids. I was shivering as we walked through the hospital lobby and it didnt stop until I got out in the sun. We had lunch after at Le Madeleine and inspite of the fact that we ordered Pasta, I didnt have much of an appetite. I was not able to make it to my job fair. I pretty much was wasted the rest of the day.

It was quite an experience though. To know that I will be able to do some good for someone... That is always a good thing.